Season Two Premiere (resubmitted), and Episode 202
by Stealth Giraffe
Summary: You may have seen the first bit, my Season Two premiere, but I included a never-before-seen Episode 202, featuring fics by TBOtaku and sephiroth50000. I also added a little something extra...
1. Episode 201

MALICIOUSLY SMELLY TEXTFICS 3000  
A WORK BY SPAMBLADE  
  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own not the idea of making fun of things (i.e. MST3K) nor do I own any FF7 or Gundam Wing characters. Any references I make to other games and such, well, I don't own those games or ideas either. The only character belonging to myself is Nate Garrack, so all of those rights are mine alone. Thank you, and enjoy Season Two.  
  
  
Fanfiction...the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Satellite Of Spiteful Ruthless Insanity (S.O.S.R.I....sounds a little like sorcery...but pronounce it by saying each individual letter...damn, went off on a tangent). It's really %^&*#@$ long mission, to read strange new tales. To seek out bad grammar and horrible plot. To boldly review what no man has ever willingly reviewed before!  
  
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Previously...on Maliciously Smelly Textfics 3000...we discover that Nate, Duo, and Vincent will not be able to return home. A new evil has eliminated the previous evil resulting in horrible evil that...oh, nevermind, everyone's just really pissed off. Not only because the crew will have to read more putrid fanfiction, but they must also change their theme song and cast list...those bastards. Er, anyway, Chibi Ashram has just been shot, leaving Nate and his friends wondering who their new adversary is. We now take you to that scene, already in progress.  
  
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The shadowy figure walks to the viewscreen, finally revealing the perpetrator's identity. Strangely, as the person comes into view, a theme song begins to play. Nate, Duo, and Vincent listen carefully, knowing that this song is somehow familiar. Once the snapping fingers come into the theme, Nate's eyes stare wide in shock. "No..." says Nate.  
"It...couldn't be..." remarks Vincent.  
"It'd better not be..." starts Duo.  
"All of your suspicions are correct," says a male voice as his face lights up on the screen.  
"Damn it...this is worse than Chibi Ashram," says Nate.  
"Hello...Reno..." says Vincent coldly.  
"Valentine," regards Reno of the Turks. "Well, I can't say that I'm alone, of course."  
"Eh?" pips Duo.  
"I know you have been playing this...Playstation," starts Reno. "Played FF8?"  
"Grr..." remembers Nate.  
"Yes, I see that you have. Anyway, remember the sorceress's spirit? It fled into a new host."  
Duo hits the computer board rather hard. "New host? The hell's going on, pal?!"  
"Calm yourself," says Reno calmly. "Oh, Aeris?"  
Aeris, or at least, someone who looks like Aeris, slowly, like a zombie, walks into the viewscreen view.  
"I was fishing one day...in the City of the Ancients, don't ask why," begins Reno. "Anyway, something grabs my hook, I pull, and what do you know...Aeris pops out, possessed by the spirit of the sorceress!" Reno pauses before adding, "Quite ironic."  
Vincent cocks an eyebrow. "Aeris? This is impossible..."  
"Yeah!" yells Nate. "Crossovers can't happen in real life!"  
"Well, look at her," says Reno.  
"You pitiful humans will succumb to the power of torture sent to you by none other than me, the sorceress who shall have your souls!" says Aeris.  
"Hmm...she does seem slightly different..." says Vincent.  
"Yeah, normally she's not so, I dunno, evil," adds Duo.  
"Possession sucks," continues Nate.  
"Anyway," says Reno. "She will be sending you fanfiction through some sort of telepathy...or something, I don't know the details."  
"Wait a minute!" says Nate. "There's still one thing I don't understand!"  
"One thing?" interject Duo and Vincent.  
"Yeah...why are you doing this?"  
"The new Shinra president, much like young dead blond boy Rufus, wishes to instill fear in the minds of the people. He wants to know if this experiment will work."  
"But..." starts Duo.  
"Enough!" yells Reno. "Being a Turk, I could have been sent to much better jobs than experimentation, therefore, I won't waste time. Your first tale, well...under my supervision, that is, is a rather strange piece called '50/50' and it is written by Death's Angel. Do enjoy."  
"Damn..." starts Nate. "I thought we were done--"  
"Ah, wait a minute!" says Reno. "I've compiled your new theme music. It will be playing as you enter the theater behind you. Aeris, send them the fic...now."  
Aeris begins chanting. "WHOOOO DU BU!" she yells as a bright light flashes in front of her hands.  
Suddenly, all too familiar lights and buzzers ring throughout the satellite. "Here we go again, guys..." says Nate. "IT'S FANFIC SIIIGGGNNNN!!!!"  
  
  
In the not too distant future  
In a nearby time and space  
Nate Garrack and his two good friends  
Are caught in a real bad place!  
They have to survive the wrath of a Turk  
His name's Reno and he's a real big jerk!  
From the HQ below, he looks up at the sky  
Happily torturing all his captives on the S.O.S.R.I....!  
(Nate: Get me outta here!!!!)  
  
(Reno) I'll send them bad bad fanfics  
The worst I can find! (Aeris) La la la!  
(Reno) He'll have to sit and watch them all  
While I monitor his mind!  
  
Now keep in mind Nate can't control  
Where the stories begin or end!  
He'll try to keep his sanity  
With the help of his two good friends!  
  
Riffer role call!  
Nate! (Are we still here?)  
Vincent! (...)  
Duoooooo! (Are you crazy or sumthin'?!)  
  
If you're wondering how they eat and breathe  
And other science facts! (Aeris) La la la!  
Just repeat to yourself, it's simple text...  
I should really just relax!  
  
For Maliciously Smelly Textfics...3000!  
(TWANG!)  
  
6...5...4...3...2...1...  
  
(Everyone enters the theater, sitting, from left to right, Vincent, Nate, and Duo)  
Nate: That's our new song?  
Duo: That sucks ass.  
Vincent: I cannot believe we are still here...  
Nate: (Sighs) Well, it's starting.  
  
50/50  
  
Nate: Don't you hate it when that's your last lifeline?  
  
By Death's Angel  
  
Vincent: Bit of a contradictory name, if you think about it...  
  
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Duo: Damn, have they still not paved that damn road?  
  
Disclaimers: I do not own Final Fantasy VII.  
  
Vincent: And for that alone, I am eternally greatful.  
  
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Nate: That's what happens when scratch your fingernails on the chalkboard.  
  
Tifa lowered her head, "It seems only right that we pay our respects to everyone that died at the crater...  
  
Vincent: Yes, all...none of them.  
Duo: Unless they feel it necessary to respect Jenova SYNTHESIS, her right and left tentacles, and Sephiroth...  
Nate: And all those millions of Magic Pots they slaughtered...may their souls rest in peace...  
  
That was where it all ended."  
  
Vincent: Then why is this story even being written? It ended...hmph.  
  
"Why should we even go?"  
  
Vincent: Thank you, Cloud...or whomever said that.  
  
Cloud met her eyes,  
  
Duo: (Cloud) It's a pleasure. Name's Strife. Cloud Strife.  
Nate: (Tifa's Eyes) Hey there! I'm Eyes. Tifa's Eyes.  
  
"Didn't we pay our respects when we killed Sephiroth?"  
  
Nate: They payed their respects to Aeris a hell of a lot sooner than that! Stop the respecting!  
  
"No, not like that. I mean that we should perform something like a small funeral service for all those that died...  
  
Duo: Aeris is really the only IMPORTANT person that died...the rest were all a generic jumble of polygons.  
Vincent: Hmm...  
  
It seems only right..." Tifa turned and looked out the window in the highwind.  
  
Nate: (Tifa) Should the ground be coming towards us this fast?  
  
"After all, we took many of those lives ourselves, the soldiers we killed, the innocents that were in the way..."  
  
Vincent: Does she have a point?  
Duo: She feels way too sorry for generic no-name people. You kill a Shinra soldier, just walk along some more, there's another one that looks just like him!  
Nate: 60% of FF7's population are clones.  
  
A tear slid down her face, "And we drug Aeris into this mess..."  
  
Duo: It's their fault for drugging Aeris before she went all stoned to that City of the Ancients.  
  
"I doubt Aeris minded.  
  
Vincent: (Cloud) I certainly do not mind...  
  
She was willing to give her life for the planet."  
  
Nate: (Cloud) Tifa! That happened twenty years ago! Get over it! Let's talk about NOW! NOT THEN!  
  
"She *did* give her life for the planet.  
  
Duo: Which she previously said and you just repeated, Cloud.  
Nate: Well, she *did* previous say that and Cloud *did* just repeat it...  
Duo: Shut up.  
  
But I don't think she'd intended to when at that alter in the Forgotten City."  
  
Vincent: Er...intend to what?  
Duo: She didn't intend to win at the altar. Aeris was a big-time compulsive gambler, but she also hated herself and money. Very sad...  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
Nate: At least Cloud's as confused as we are.  
  
"Think about it, Cloud.  
  
Nate: (Cloud) A duh...think? What's that like?  
  
She was always so bright, so optimistic..   
  
Duo: Other than that she was pretty dull.  
  
She talked about the future more than any of us... I think she wasn't planning on giving her life for the planet at that time... She was planning on coming back... She had to be..."  
  
Nate: Wow...it's almost like that was ripped right from the game and typed into text...  
Duo: Nah...  
  
Tifa held back the rest of her tears  
  
Vincent: Until they forced through her barrier, streaming out of her eyes, ejecting them from their sockets...and--  
Nate: Whoa, whoa, okay, pal...  
  
and turned to face Cloud.  
  
Duo: (Tifa) Oh, there you are!  
  
"And whether or not you are coming, I'm going to see who else will go with me."  
  
Vincent: (Chuckles) Good luck...  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Vincent: Yes...a well-placed shot is aimed between their eyes...  
  
Tifa gazed down into the large, gaping wound in the planet.  
  
Nate: (Tifa) The wound of the Planet...one that Sephiroth hoped to create in larger proportions to destroy the entire human race...  
Duo: (Cloud) No no, it's next to that!  
  
Briefly she wondered how long it would take to heal the crater,  
  
Duo: Sheesh, just have some people pour dirt and rubble into the crater...good as new!  
  
then pushed the thought out of her mind. "And, Aeris, you once told me that you loved violets, and I agreed with you that they were beautiful.  
  
(Nate furiously thumbs through the FF7 script)  
Nate: When did that happen?!  
  
I want you to know that this is the only place I can think of to give you this,"  
  
Vincent: (Tifa) Here, have some lint...  
  
she tossed a purple flower down,  
  
Duo: By the way, isn't Aeris buried, y'know, somewhere else?  
Nate: Tifa's not always the brightest of the bunch...  
  
"I'm sorry I got you into this..." She bit her lip  
  
Nate: Yeah, if she can find it. Did FF7 characters even have lips?  
  
and resisted the urge to cry again. Damn, she was weak, how did she make it through the war...?  
  
Duo: Tifa was probably out of place with all those other vets.  
  
She was so weak...  
  
Nate: No kidding, only wusses cry when their dearest friend dies. Heh, what a loser.  
Vincent: That was excellent, Nate.  
  
Cloud placed a hand on her shoulder and she felt the hot tears flood her eyes.  
  
Duo: (Tifa) Oh my God! They're burning!  
Nate: Flesh-melting tears, makes you think twice before getting upset about something...  
  
He pulled her into his embrace  
  
Vincent: And then pushed her into the crater...  
  
and walked her away from the crater. She pressed her face to his chest and cried.  
  
Vincent: (Cloud) Now now, Tifa...do not rust my armor.  
  
The sound of snow crunching under heavy boots caused them to look up.  
  
Nate: (Cloud) It's alright, Tifa. It's just the local cannibals.  
  
Obviously Vincent and Barret were suspicious  
  
Duo: Well, being suspicious is usually a constant for Barret.  
  
because they each nodded toward each other slightly and moved on either side of the figure in front of them.  
  
Vincent: Barret shoots from the left whilst I shoot from the right...  
  
A pair of silver tipped boots were all that was visible other than the black cape and a hood was pushed up enough to cast a shadow over their face.  
  
Nate: (Barret) Damn, Vivi! Get the hell outta there!  
Duo: (Vivi) Sorry...  
  
They held the reins of a black chocobo in a black gloved hand.  
  
Duo: Someone got really pissed off after Teioh won so many races. Must've shot him from the Junon cannon and into the snow.   
  
Walking up to the edge, a soft, female voice said softly, "Sephiroth?"  
  
Nate: No, it's Vivi!  
Duo: No, it's an FFT Black Mage!  
Vincent: It's Cid in a black mage costume doing a very bad joke.  
  
"He's dead."  
  
Vincent: We concluded this by looking at his boots.  
  
"No he isn't."  
  
Nate: (Barret) Then let's just suffocate him with yellow snow!  
  
Suddenly Vincent and Barret grabbed her.  
  
Duo: Er...grabbed who?  
  
Holding her by the arms she struggled to get out. "Lemme go, bastards!"  
  
Vincent: Maybe if we knew who you were, we would comply.  
  
"As much as I'd like the son of my beloved to be saved, we can't let you go down there until you explain yourself."  
  
Vincent: I will safely assume that I said that...  
  
"Who I am is of no importance,  
  
Duo: The hell it isn't! It could help the dying plot a little!  
  
let me help him.  
  
Nate: Who? The dead black mage?  
  
Lemme go or he will remain there until I can help him to heal him."  
  
(Everyone blinks for a moment and rereads the screen)  
Nate: Uh...ow...  
  
"You, nor anyone else, will save him. He deserves to die."  
  
(Everyone laughs)  
Vincent: They have only assumed that that is Sephiroth...  
Duo: I know they'd feel like asses if it was some girl scout or something.  
  
"No more than you do, Cloud Strife, number 3."  
  
Nate: (Host) You chose Bachelor Number 3! Come out so she can see who she's won!  
Duo: (Girl) Eww...I change my mind!  
  
Her voice was cold and hit Cloud with an icy shock.  
  
Vincent: Otherwise known as Ice 3.  
  
"What did you call me?"  
  
Nate: (Cloud) Whatcha talkin' about, Willis?  
  
"Cloud Strife, born in Nibelhiem, age twenty-one, blood type __,  
  
Duo: His blood type is two underscores?  
Vincent: Hmm...I knew Cloud had genetic problems, but...  
  
Sephiroth-clone number three. Status, failure."  
  
Nate: (Cloud) Oh, well thank you, Commander Data.  
  
He turned around and glared at her angrily.  
  
Vincent: Does no one make eye contact until they are deep in conversation?  
Duo: In this story, absolutely!  
  
"I am *not* a Sephiroth clone."  
  
Duo: More like a carbon copy...a rough draft, if you will.  
  
"Only because you and Zack escaped.  
  
Vincent: Er...so when he escaped, any prospect of him being a clone instantly vanished?  
Nate: I'll have to smile and nod on this one.  
  
I never got a thank you from either of you,"  
  
Duo: (Cloud) Oh, of course, er...!#$^ you.  
  
she hissed softly, "Now let me go and let me help my brother."  
  
Nate: Damn, this is really confusing...  
Duo: Well, since she's a black mage-like person, maybe her brother's one of those red or blue or white mages.  
Vincent: Maybe the entire cast of the story should have their heads burst into flames...  
(Nate and Duo ad lib agreement)  
  
"Your brother?!" Everyone turned to stare at her.  
  
Duo: Well, yeah...that's what she said!  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
Vincent: A brother, a sibling, another offspring that is male besides oneself, a--  
Nate: Yes, yes, we know what brothers are.  
  
"..."  
  
Nate: Sorry, Vincent. She took your material.  
Vincent: ...  
  
She laughed softly, "You are an idiot.  
  
Duo: And you, little missy, have no name.  
Nate: Maybe we should just call her Heroine, kinda like Suikoden.  
Duo: We have that game too?  
Nate: Lots of games, my friend.  
Duo: Why the hell didn't you tell me?!  
Nate: Well, I wanted to play them all for myself. I mean...I know it sounds selfish, but I want everything for me, you see.  
Duo: Oh...  
  
Did you really not think about it?  
  
Vincent: Fanfiction, thinking need not apply.  
  
Hojo couldn't have some super-human in the lab without something to test the strength to.  
  
Vincent: If he can summon a giant meteor, he could probably pass for "strong".  
  
I was the second one.  
  
Nate: Sephirothine.  
Duo: Sephirothanne.  
Vincent: Cindyroth.  
  
I was never counted as a Sephiroth clone though because I was female.  
  
Duo: So only men can test men as a basis for strength? Isn't this author female?  
Nate: Maybe a masculinist female.  
  
To them, I was completely ignorant of everything because I was female.  
  
Vincent: Nate...Duo...I suggest for your own safety, you refrain from any female-crushing comments.  
Nate and Duo: We'll try...  
  
My name is Fiona.  
  
Nate: Apple.  
Duo: Heh, she's got the right character for it.  
  
I have no number or status.  
  
Vincent: I myself have many statuses. Strength, Vitality, Dexterity, Spirit--  
Duo: Wang...  
  
I was born in a lab  
  
Nate: More and more protagonists are getting either killed or born in labs...we must look into this.  
  
and my mother killed by a man known as Hojo immediately after my birth. I never knew my father.  
  
Nate: (Fiona) He drove an ice cream truck filled with weapons and his head was always on fire...  
  
I had one person in this world,  
  
Duo: Her dummy, Chuckles!  
  
and that was Sephiroth.  
  
Vincent: Sephiroth is the ideal person to bring one's problems to.  
  
True, he was four years older than me, but he was like a brother to me."  
  
Vincent: (Fiona) Hmm...not brother as much as genetically enhanced superior-powered god-like being...  
  
Cloud pushed her hood back to reveal  
  
Nate: Good God, no! Never, ever, try to see what a black mage really looks like!  
Duo: But...she's not a black mage...  
Nate: DON'T DO IT, CLOUD! SAVE YOURSELF!  
  
a young woman with black hair that had silver streaks and eyes as pale green as the mist that hung around a mako reactor.  
  
Vincent: Oh, it is simply Sephiroth with makeup on.  
  
"Why should we trust you?"  
  
Duo: (Fiona) I've got one of those promise rings.  
  
"Because I am telling the truth and if you do not believe me, you can ask her." She jerked her head back and another chocobo ran up.  
  
Nate: Ask her chocobo? That conversation would go nowhere fast.  
Vincent: Is Sephiroth actually dead?  
Duo: (Chocobo) WARK!  
Vincent: Is Fiona telling the truth?  
Duo: (Chocobo) WARK!  
Vincent: May I consume you for dinner?  
Duo: (Chocobo) WARK!  
Vincent: I will take that as a yes...  
  
"Vincent. Please let her go."  
  
Duo: Especially when you have your hands in THOSE places.  
Vincent: Hmph.  
  
"Lucrecia."  
  
(Everyone laughs)  
Nate: Kind of an odd response, isn't it?  
Duo: Oh, it's just his language, entirely comprised of the name "Lucrecia".  
Vincent: Lucrecia...  
Duo: See? He just said, "Mom, I want a sandwich."  
Nate: Oh...  
  
"Stay back. Just let Fiona go.  
  
Vincent: Why is Lucrecia always telling me to "stay back"?  
Duo: The restraining order's still in effect, man.  
Nate: And if you hang on to her, Fiona might lapse into another depressing song!  
  
She will save my beloved son... And my sanity."  
  
Duo: (Lucrecia) WHOOO HO!!! WHEEEE!!! I'M !#$^!#^ NUTS!!! YAHOO!!!!!  
  
Lucrecia suddenly clutched at her stomach  
  
Duo: Hoo boy...time of the month again...  
Vincent: Please do not say that...  
Duo: But it is!  
  
and Vincent grabbed her as she fell off the chocobo.  
  
Vincent: There now, I am helping her, that does not call for a "stay back" comment.  
  
"Lucrecia... Why do you insist that I stay back...?"  
  
Nate: (Lucrecia) Vincent! The relationship ended five years ago! Get over it!  
  
"I fear that you are angry with me...  
  
Vincent: Oh, I am sure she interprets my affections and desire for revenge at her peril as being..."angry".  
  
Or worse, will no longer love me once you see what I have become."  
  
Vincent: Have you looked at me? I am a bit different myself...  
  
Lucrecia nodded and Barret let Fiona go.  
  
Duo: Cool, I never knew Barret and Lucrecia had a telepathic understanding!  
  
The girl instantly started climbing down into the crater.  
  
Nate: Well, not climbing as much as...well...falling rapidly.  
  
"Vincent...  
  
Vincent: Yes?  
  
I have become a monster.  
  
Vincent: Really? Me too...  
  
I can no longer hide my sins.  
  
Vincent: I follow...  
  
I was not there for Sephiroth,  
  
Vincent: We killed him, if that is any consolation...  
Nate: (Whispers to Duo) He talks too much when Lucrecia talks...  
Duo: Bet they're mean in the sack...  
Nate: Duo!  
Duo: You know they are!  
Vincent: Pardon?  
Nate: Er...he said goats lean on his back.  
Vincent: I see...  
  
I let him go in the name of science  
  
Nate: (Dexter) It is a good day for science!  
  
and look at what resulted..."  
  
Duo: A video game of sorts...  
  
"Lucrecia."  
  
Nate: Vincent, if you whisper her name, we're not talking to you for a week.  
Vincent: Is that supposed to bother me?  
Nate: Oh yeah...  
Vincent: Lucrecia...  
Duo: Dammit!  
  
Vincent held her with his bad hand  
  
Duo: (Chuckling) Oooo...his bad hand? What's it touching?  
  
and used his good one to smooth out her hair.  
  
Nate: Soon I bet he'll grow more hands and they'll name them after the Dwarfs.  
  
"And what's more... Hojo did one more experiment on me...  
  
Duo: (Lucrecia) I was cross-bred with Carol Channing...  
Nate: (Carol Channing) And then we can all cuddle with lil' Sephiwoth! Oh...do you wanna? Wanna cuddle?  
(Vincent shudders)  
  
He has altered me to the point that when I get to angry,  
  
(Everyone laughs, even Vincent, despite himself)  
Duo: (Lucrecia) Yep, it's official. I have now reached Angry!  
  
I transform into a monster and lose any and all self control I may have..."  
  
Vincent: Hmm...that almost sounds like exactly what happened to me...oh, wait...it is...  
  
"Lucrecia, I will always love you.  
  
Nate: (Vincent) Me love you long time!  
Vincent: That sounds nothing like me...  
  
And I should be the one worrying that you will not accept me.  
  
Nate: Great, now he's reciting lines from a Thomas Hardy novel.  
  
Look at me Lucrecia.  
  
Duo: (Lucrecia) I'd rather not.  
Vincent: Hmph.  
  
I have a golden claw for a hand.  
  
Nate: (Vincent) Well, actually that's just a really cool golden rubber glove with sharp tips. It's neat!  
  
I do the same thing whenever I get terribly angry..."  
  
Duo: Hey, I'm getting angry at all this. Why don't I transform?  
  
He took one of her hands  
  
Vincent: Out of how many?  
Nate: Hands are an important theme in this story.  
  
in his good one and brought it up to his face.  
  
Duo: And then he ate it. Good night, everybody!  
  
Kissing it gently,  
  
Nate: (Lucrecia) You're making me angry, Vincent...I...ARRRGGHHHH!!!  
  
he smiled slightly. "I have even lost most capability to show emotions on my face..."  
  
Vincent: Well, most of my face is shrouded and concealed...so that only makes sense.  
  
"Somebody help me, please," Fiona appeared, dragging Sephiroth with her.  
  
Duo: Er...okay, so when everyone killed Sephiroth and his one-winged angel body was totally incinerated...he just got knocked unconscious and turned back to normal?  
Nate: The answer is five.  
  
She winced as his body jolted and suddenly fell.  
  
Vincent: Back into the crater...  
Nate: Hmm...I don't remember any Jolt spells in FF7...  
Duo: But the drink sure is good.  
  
"I... can't take.... this pain anymore...."  
  
Vincent: Seems that the story has gotten to her as well...  
  
She then passed out.  
  
Nate: (Fred from Scooby Doo) Now let's find out who Fiona really is!   
  
Barret slung Sephiroth over one shoulder and Fiona over the other.  
  
Duo: (Cloud) Barret, it's not necessary to put them in bags AND embalm them. They're not even dead...  
Nate: (Barret) I pity da' fool who don't let me embalm people!  
  
"So, Cloud, whatcha want me to do with them?"  
  
Vincent: (Cloud) Well...I do feel slightly...pekish...  
Nate and Duo: Yuck! Gross, man.  
  
Lucrecia looked up. "My baby... Vincent...  
  
Vincent: No, I am actually quite grown up, Lucrecia.  
  
I-I want to see what he looks like."  
  
Duo: She's had the whole time to at least take a peek! Just look, woman!  
  
"He looks like shit right now, ma'am.  
  
Nate: (Hillbilly accent) We turned 'em into fertilizer, ma'am.  
  
If ya don't mind me saying.  
  
Duo: I'm sure everyone's grown used to Cid's or Barret's talk at this point. No one really cares what he says.  
  
Vincent, help your chick on the Highwind.  
  
Vincent: Certainly, but what about Lucrecia?  
  
We all need to get out of this cold." Cid scratched the back of his head,  
  
Nate: (Cid) Damned lice...  
  
"And Cloud, you might wanna carry Tifa, she looks like she cried herself to sleep."  
  
Vincent: (Cid) Actually, she froze to death rather quickly. I suppose I could have offered her my jacket...  
  
Vincent swept Lucrecia in his arms  
  
Duo: With a broom, I guess.  
  
and walked toward the large airship with Barret right behind him.  
  
Nate: (Hans) Yah, only the big muscle men can survive the cold!  
Duo: (Franz) Yah, look at the little girly girls that we carry with our bulging biceps!  
  
Cloud carefully pulled Tifa up into his arms wher he was holding her  
  
Duo: C'mon, more detail! Where he is holding her? Is he holding those...er...arms?  
Vincent: Excellent save, my friend.  
  
off the ground and walked toward it  
  
Nate: Toward what? Her arms? The ground?  
  
and Nanaki smiled one of his strange smiles as he hopped in.  
  
Duo: (Red XIII as frat boy) Party, man! I call shotgun! Whooo!  
  
Yuffie looked around for a moment.  
  
Vincent: She is dumbfounded whenever something...anything...actually happens...  
  
"Cid, carry me."  
  
Duo: (Cid) Sure, I'll impale you my spear and roast you for supper!  
Nate: Was that some kind of euphemism?  
Duo: Er...  
  
"What the hell?! Why?"  
  
Vincent: He overreacts at every single thing that happens.  
  
"Cause all the human males that are awake are carrying someone cept you. Can't break a trend now..."  
  
Vincent: (Cid) No...but I could break your spine...  
  
"Sorry, Yuff. You can walk."  
  
Nate: (Yuffie) But I don't know how!  
  
And he turned away from her. She put her hands on her hips.  
  
Duo: She was then a little worried when the ship started taking off...  
  
"That's mean! Remember! I'm the Lady of Wutai!!"  
  
Vincent: Many of us may argue on that point...  
  
Noticing everyone had left she frowned. "Hey!! WAIT UP! DON'T LEAVE ME!!!"  
  
Nate: (Cloud) Hurry, Cid! Go now!  
Duo: (Cid) !@%!@%!!!! I'M TRYING!!!  
  
She started to run onto the ship,  
  
Vincent: But instead ran into the ship, crushing her face.  
  
then looked at the chocobos.  
  
Nate: (Christopher Walken) Look, these chocobos are like...a big bag...of Skittles...grape, strawberry, watermelon...all the wonderful fruit flavors. They share a rainbow of color. But, I'm sorry...I just need...more cowbell...  
  
She sighed, grabbed their reins and ran onto the ship.  
  
Duo: Someone needs to grab Yuffie's reins and choke her.  
Nate: Hey, let's go talk to Reno.  
Vincent: Why?  
Nate: Look at us! We're not exactly goin' nuts or anything. Maybe if we show that to him then he'll quit the experiment and let us go home!  
Duo: Hey, yeah!  
Vincent: I suppose it is worth trying...  
(Everyone gets up and leaves the theater)  
  
1...2...3...4...5...6...  
  
Nate punches the computer panel to call Reno. Shortly thereafter his image appears on the screen. "Uh...hey, Reno?" says Nate.  
"What the hell are you doing? Get back in the theater!" responds an angry Reno.  
"Listen, pal, we ain't exactly goin' nuts or losing our senses!" yells back Duo.  
"Your point? So what if one experiment doesn't cut your strings? I have many more experiments. We just need to alter some variables and such," retorts Reno.  
"Hmm..." exclaims Vincent. "By the way...who is the new president of Shinra?"  
"That's classified, Valentine," says Reno. "But if he ever stops by, I'll introduce you."  
"And what's Aeris doing?" asks Nate.  
"Oh yeah..." begins Reno. "Aeris, or the Sorceress, whichever, said that she had bring hellfire down on some nearby towns or something. Something mundane."  
"But--" starts Duo.  
"Goodbye, enjoy your fic," says Reno as his image vanishes.  
Nate sighs heavily. "Hey, you guys wanna get in some black mage costumes?"  
"What?" asks Vincent in utter confusion.  
"I always wondered if everyone's eyes always turn all beady and yellow when they put those things on. We should find out!" says Nate passionately.  
"We'll put all the fic's themes into our costumes, it'll be...well...weird, but kinda cool," decides Duo.  
"I fail to understand either of you," bluntly states Vincent.  
Nate is about to comment again, but lights and sirens start to shine and sound through the room. "Damn, fanfic sign...we'll decide on this later!" Everyone quickly runs into the theater.  
  
6...5...4...3...2...1...  
  
(Everyone takes their seats)  
Duo: Do we even have black mage costumes?  
Nate: Hell if I know. We have missle turrets and other random things up here. I wouldn't be surprised.  
Vincent: It is starting.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Nate: Watch out! A horizontal Bolt spell!  
  
Vincent settled Lucrecia on a bed  
  
Duo: Heh, heh...in bed!  
Nate: That line works in most cases, but here it kinda fails.  
Duo: Yeah, it fails...in bed!  
Nate: Okay, just stop.  
  
in the new 'conference room'.  
  
Nate: When did the Highwind have an "old" conference room?  
Vincent: We did have a room to perform operations in...  
  
In actuallity, Cid had turned it into a large bedroom/infirmary.  
  
Duo: Yes, while he turned the bridge into a makeshift recreational room, complete with billard tables and spas.  
  
It had six bunk-beds and three large cabnits.  
  
Vincent: All in that single small room?  
Nate: Six very very cramped bunkbeds and three large cabinets stacked on top of them.  
  
One held medical things,  
  
Duo: Otherwise known as Cid's crack.  
  
the second held weapons and materia,  
  
Vincent: Why would an infirmary need items that cause bodily harm?  
  
while the third held food.  
  
Nate: Unfortunately, he hadn't changed out that cabinet in years.  
  
He kneeled beside Lucrecia and touched her forehead.  
  
Vincent: Ah...I am performing a psychic reading.  
  
"Vincent... Please... Where's Sephiroth?"  
  
Vincent: I already lied about that question once...must I do it again?  
  
"A friend has him.."  
  
Duo: ...In bed!  
Nate: Shut up!  
  
"I need to tell you something, Vincent...  
  
Duo: (Lucrecia) You're crushing my forehead...  
  
Sephiroth isn't-"  
  
Nate: Straight?  
Duo: An actual man?  
Vincent: ...In this story?  
  
She stopped talking as Barret came in.  
  
Nate: In Barret's case, he stomped and galloped in.  
  
He dumped Fiona on a top bunk beside Lucrecia,  
  
(Duo makes glass breaking noise)  
Nate: (Barret) My bad, yo!  
  
who was in the next to last bed,  
  
Vincent: Here, let us refer to the flow chart...  
  
and dropped Sephiroth in the bottom bunk.  
  
Duo: Um...why is Barret just tossing them like basketballs?  
Nate: He must think that they're furniture or something.  
  
Lucrecia was shocked at the way they treated him.  
  
Vincent: Barret is a "they"?  
Nate: I don't recall Barret ever being enveloped in symbiote.  
  
"Why are you so rough with him?  
  
(Duo opens his mouth, as if to say something  
Nate: Duo, if you say that line again, I will personally make sure that you lack the ability to ever perform "in bed" again!  
(Duo shuts his mouth)  
  
Sephiroth... My baby..."  
  
Nate: (Barret) And our dinner!  
  
She crawled over to where she could lean over him and studied him carefully.  
  
Vincent: She acts like an anatomy student...  
  
"My poor child..."  
  
Duo: No wonder Sephiroth was able to nearly destroy the world! Look how spoiled he is!  
  
"Vincent, make sure Sephiroth don't cause no trouble. Caus if he does.... I'm taking him out."  
  
Vincent: Er...Lucrecia? Are you alright?  
Nate: Those ebonics classes are really helping her out!  
  
Vincent nodded and walked over to Lucrecia, who gently touched Sephiroth's face.  
  
Vincent: And then tore it open with her fingernails.  
  
"He grew up to be so handsome..."  
  
Duo: He wasn't exactly a ladies' man, though.  
  
Barret left, and Vincent  
  
Nate: Also left, because Lucrecia was becoming very annoying and whiney.  
Vincent: I doubt I would do that...  
Nate: You know you would!  
Vincent: Hmm...  
  
sighed softly. Lucrecia turned to look at him.  
  
Duo: (Lucrecia) You know, he got all the "weird" genes from you, mister!  
  
"Vincent. Sephiroth... He... Well... He's your son."  
  
Vincent: Hmm...shall we kill him and collect insurance?  
  
Vincent stared open mouthed at her.  
  
Nate: Realizing that he now had many child support bills to pay.  
  
"Mine? B-But... I... We... Only once...   
  
Duo: (Vincent) Would like...to...do...again!  
  
I thought.... Isn't he Hojo's?"  
  
Nate: (Lucrecia) Actually, she's Yuffie's...  
Vincent: Eh? How is that?  
Nate: (Lucrecia) She's a man!  
Vincent: ...She is?  
Nate: (Lucrecia) Sure, Yuffie just dresses girly. I mean, just look at Kuja! He's a man, too.  
Vincent: You may be on to something...  
  
"No!" Lucrecia glared at him.  
  
Duo: PMS attack! Run for your lives!  
  
"That's what made you angry wasn't it?  
  
Vincent: No, just the thought of Hojo trying to perform with a woman is laughable.  
  
It wasn't that we used your child...  
  
Nate: (Lucrecia) We did, however, use him as a basketball. Such a chubby child!  
  
You thought I was going to sleep with Hojo, right?"  
  
Vincent: Any thought of that occurring simply made me laugh in disbelief...  
  
Vincent nodded slowly.  
  
Duo: Nodded off slowly to sleep, that is.  
  
"You didn't have faith in me?"  
  
Nate: Vincent, are you on some kind of gameshow?  
Duo: (Vincent) I'll take Guess Your Lover's Secrets for 800.  
  
"I wasn't sure what to think.  
  
Nate: (Vincent) So I didn't.  
  
One day we would discuss our wedding plans and how exactly we were going to afford it at the time,  
  
Vincent: For some reason that filthy, homeless person who said he could perform weddings just was not suitable for Lucrecia.  
  
then the next you would be off in your own world talking about biving birth to an Ancient...  
  
Vincent: Which is why I sent you to that institution...  
Duo: The one with the clown-people.  
  
I didn't even consider that the one time could..."  
  
Nate: Vincent, next time, use Latex Condoms instead of Swiss Cheese Condoms.  
  
"Impregnate me?"  
  
Duo: (Vincent) What? Sex impregnates people?  
  
"Right." He grabbed her hands. "Lucrecia, forgive me?"  
  
Nate: (Lucrecia) Sure, just stop squeezing my hands so hard...that claw hurts like ass!  
  
"Only if you would me."  
  
Duo: Was a "do" left out of that statement?  
Vincent: I somehow doubt it.  
  
"I did a long time ago."  
  
Vincent: By cursing myself and sleeping for years.  
  
He pulled her into his arms once more and she clutched Sephiroth's hand in a death-like grip.  
  
Nate: So Sephiroth's dead now?  
Duo: The end! Yahoo!  
Vincent: Not quite.  
Duo: Ah, damn.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Nate: It's several clones of that Kwik-E-Mart guy's wife from the Simpsons.  
  
"Cloud... What're we gonna do 'bout Sephiroth and that girl, Fiona?"  
  
Duo: (Cloud) Since our plan was to kill Sephiroth, we may as well stick with that...and Fiona, I'll just use the backspace key and get ride of all of her mentionings.  
  
Yuffie looked up, happy they weren't moving quite yet.  
  
Vincent: Until Cid changed the Highwind into third gear, in which case Yuffie choked and died on her own vomit...  
  
"...."  
  
Nate: Damn, Vincent, you gotta do something about the other characters monopolizing your lines!  
Vincent: ...  
Nate: Yeah, no kidding.  
Duo: He didn't say anything, Nate.  
Nate: No, no, "..." is his way of saying that those lines belong to him and he will kill anybody who tries stealing them.  
Duo: All that from "..."?  
  
"Cloud... Have you decided what to do with Sephiroth?"  
  
Duo: (Cloud) I already told you! "..."!  
  
Vincent walked in slowly, watching everyone,  
  
Nate: All two of them.  
  
but keeping his eyes on Cloud in his strange way of looking at people.  
  
Vincent: Do I really look at people that strangely?  
Duo: That's why people usually run from you or avoid eye contact.  
Vincent: That could explain it...  
  
"Not yet."  
  
Nate: Which he previously alluded to in his "..." speech.  
  
"Every life is precious, even that of your enemy's."  
  
Vincent: That is why instead of killing them, you must inflict severe torture.  
  
Lucrecia walked even slower behind him. She looked at no one.  
  
Nate: Damn! Why does no one ever look at anyone in this story!? Vincent's able to look at people, but even he just stares at 'em or freaks them out! This is freaky, unearthly social interaction!  
  
"Just remember that in your discision."  
  
Duo: (Cloud) Right, let's kill the bastards!  
  
"Sephiroth is a jerk and tried to destroy the planet.  
  
Nate: And all big meanies and poopheads bent on global destruction must die.  
  
We should leave him up here to die!"  
  
Vincent: In the Highwind where he has plenty of provisions and medical aid? What an odd plan...  
  
Yuffie glared at them. "He's not changed!"  
  
Duo: I'd say that Sephiroth's a little more quiet and mortally wounded than he normally is.  
  
"And from where are you speaking, Miss?"  
  
Vincent: (Yuffie) A few feet in front of you, where you fail to look at me.  
  
Lucrecia finally looked at her. "From personal views?"  
  
Nate: (Yuffie) No, from my ass.  
  
"I'll have you know that now I am the lady of Wutai,  
  
Duo: (Shakes his head) Try the Tomboy Bitch of Wutai.  
  
and you had better show me the respect I deserve.  
  
Vincent: (Lucrecia) Yes, you are right...Yuffie...? Go to your room.  
  
I am only speaking for the good of Wutai.  
  
All: Shut up...  
  
And probably the rest of the world too.  
  
All: Shut up!  
  
You shouldn't let your own attachment as a mother affect your judgment.  
  
All: SHUT UP, YUFFIE!  
  
It is unwise, and usually unhealthy for you, if you know what I mean."  
  
Nate and Duo: SHUT THE !$%$ UP YOU LITTLE !#$^%#$^!!!!!!!!!   
Vincent: Hmm...I can not manage to bring my voice that high.  
  
"Where did that come from, Yuffie?"  
  
Duo: Again, her ass.  
  
Red turned to face her.  
  
Nate: (Chuckles) Can no one start conversations looking at each other in this story?  
  
"I've never seen you so serious."  
  
Vincent: That is because no one takes her seriously.  
  
"All ninjas are serious when it comes to the good of their continents."  
  
Duo: Okay, Yuffie. Do you have a deed to that continent?  
  
She narrowed her eyes.  
  
Vincent: And then I gouged them out...  
  
"..."  
  
Vincent: Hmm...I have been around Lucrecia so much that she has been talking like me...  
  
"He's a cold, heartless killer!  
  
Nate: C'mon, other than that, he's a great guy!  
  
How can you still be thinking about it?!"  
  
Duo: Thinking about what? You mean "..."? That means NOTHING! They aren't thinking about ANYTHING! So everyone kill Yuffie now!  
Vincent: Excellent...  
  
Yuffie's voice was a near screech.  
  
Nate: Damn, I hope she doesn't become Screech's girlfriend in Final Fantasy: Saved by the Bell.  
  
"I'm sorry you think that way..." The deep voice came from behind Lucrecia and she moved to reveal Sephiroth.  
  
Duo: Ta-da!  
  
One arm was across Fiona's shoulders and it was clear that was the only way he was standing.  
  
Nate: His arm can stretch all the way to that other bunk she's lying in?  
Duo: Stretch Armroth.  
  
She had her arm linked across his back and they both shared blood and cuts,  
  
Nate: Ah, so they peel off their scabs and trade. Cool business idea.  
  
even though Sephiroth was the only one to have been hurt.  
  
Vincent: Well, obviously Fiona is hurt too, is she not?  
  
"Sephiroth. You're awake..."  
  
Duo: (Sephiroth) Yeah, and I summoned Meteor again, so NYA!  
  
"Fiona, you two should be resting... It's not good for you to be up yet."  
  
Nate: (Fiona) Sorry, I was just trading my scab that looks like a whale for Sephiroth's that looks like Whistler's mother.  
  
"No." Sephiroth raised one hand weakly.  
  
Duo: (Lucrecia) Save your questions 'till class is over, Sephiroth! You were always a horrible son!  
Vincent: ...I have no son.  
  
"If it's my fate you're deciding and I think I should be here for it."  
  
(Everyone laughs)  
Nate: Relax, Sephiroth. They just want you to rest...I wouldn't call that an act of Fate.  
  
Fiona settled him with his back to the wall and he leaned back,  
  
Vincent: The wall was weak, however, and Sephiroth fell out of the Highwind and landed 25,000 feet later back in the Northern Cave.  
  
closing his eyes momentarily. Then they snapped open.  
  
Duo: Cool, just like those Bugs Bunny cartoons!  
  
"I should tell you, there's only one way to kill me."  
  
All: ???  
Vincent: Must have gotten slightly ahead of themselves...whoever is talking, that is...  
Duo: Right...slightly...  
  
Fiona glared at Cloud, and then resumed checking how bad Sephiroth was injured.  
  
Nate: (Fiona) Well, Sephiroth...I hope you don't mind having half of your body being reconstructed out of metal...and having your penis replaced with a thumbtack.  
  
"How's that?" Cloud raised a hand when Barret started to say something.  
  
Duo: Er...he's actually raising his hand to ask questions?  
Nate: Wow, and we were all just joking about that earlier...  
  
"... Fiona here is my counter part.  
  
Vincent: Ah, then everything makes perfect sense...  
  
We are basically, not,  
  
All: ???  
Vincent: Eh? Did he just take back what he said?  
Nate: He's trying to tell a joke, but he's doing a sucky job at it.  
  
so rough, Fee.  
  
Duo: (Fiona) Ona. Fee followed by Ona. Fiona.  
  
We are basically two sides of the same coin..."  
  
Duo: So they both have male and female--  
Nate: Don't ask!  
  
Fiona, finally, nodded her approval and walked, or rather, limped over to Lucrecia and began to talk quietly with her.  
  
Vincent: Girl talk, no doubt.  
Nate: (Lucrecia) And, oh my God, Vincent kissed my the other day! I was all, WHOA!  
Duo: (Fiona) No way! And, WHOA, Sephiroth and I are SO TOTALLY psychically linked! WHOA!  
  
"Our hearts beat at a simoutaneous pace.  
  
Vincent: ...Whatever "simoutaneous" that means.  
Duo: Maybe she meant spontaneous?  
Vincent: Both of their hearts beat at random times? That is not healthy...  
  
To kill me, at the same instant you must kill Fiona.  
  
Nate: (Cloud) Since you've been talking about it so much, then fine! Let's try it!  
  
And I mean down to the dot.  
  
Duo: (Sephiroth) Okay...maybe give or take fifteen minutes...but other than that, ON THE DOT!  
  
You must get our hearts to stop beating at the same moment in time."  
  
Nate: I wonder if Sephiroth and Fiona are on the same menstrual cycle.  
  
"How is it fucking possible to be linked like that?!"  
  
Duo: Y'know, Vincent, I'd die of shock if you suddenly started talking like that.  
Vincent: Many authors do that for me, you know...  
Nate: Die of shock?  
Vincent: No...make me swear.  
Nate: Oh.  
  
Cid looked up from his precious plane rather quickly.  
  
Vincent: Forgetting that he should be using the controls and not crash...  
  
"That ain't fucking human!"  
  
Nate: Didn't they establish Sephiroth's inhumanity a really long time ago?  
Duo: Cid just has a delayed reaction problem.  
  
"... Sephiroth isn't human."  
  
Nate and Duo: DUH!  
Vincent: We know...  
  
Red watched Sephiroth intently.  
  
Duo: Before madly humping his protruding leg.  
  
"He's no Cetra, and he's not a part of Jenova's race, but he's not human either."  
  
Nate: Is there a point to all this?  
  
"No, but I am Cetra." Fiona turned from Lucrecia for a moment.  
  
Vincent: I thought they were two sides of the same coin? I thought everything about them was identical? Why is she a--  
Nate: Smile and nod! For your own sake, man!  
  
"My mother once accidentally cut herself with one of the trays that was held some Cetra cells. The cut drew blood and the cells entered her body.  
  
Duo: (Sarcastically) Oh...how creative...  
  
When she gave birth to me, she had no idea that her daughter would be Cetra.  
  
Nate: They named her "Cetra"?  
Vincent: And she turned out to be a Cetra herself. What a coincidence...  
  
She never got to see me either. Hojo killed her after I was born and did away with her body...  
  
Duo: Necrophile!  
  
Sephiroth and I are not linked by blood, we are not blood brother and sister.  
  
Vincent: Thus their hearts just happen to beat in rhythm...  
  
That came from our hearts.  
  
All: What?  
Nate: (Fiona) Sephiroth, when I say we're not blood brother and sister...that came straight from my heart!  
  
When we heard of SOLDIER we knew that if we could join that Hojo would not be allowed to test on us more.  
  
Vincent: (Fiona) A shame that we did not know that Hojo was allowed to cut our bodies into pieces and fed them to the Shinra pets...but I digress...  
  
We both signed up, only Sephiroth made it.  
  
Duo: If this story leads into Cloud's flashback in Kalm...I'm gonna scream.  
  
They didn't care that I was a good fighter. They turned me down because I was a woman."  
  
Duo: Well, Shinra always did need cooks and whores.  
Nate and Vincent: O_O  
Nate: I...er...apologize on behalf of Duo for that comment...  
Duo: What? I'm just saying that--  
Vincent: Do not jeopardize your life any further, Duo...Women hate you now...  
  
"When I joined SOLDIER they injected a serum in my bloodstream that made me forget most details about my past.  
  
Nate: They injected her with Guardian Forces?  
  
Then they told me stories about the thing they made to be my past.  
  
Duo: (Fiona) You know, the thing!  
  
They eradicated Fiona.  
  
Vincent: No they did not...she is standing right there.  
  
The only reason I remember her is because when Jenova used my body, she opened her memory banks temporarily.  
  
Nate: What the hell? I don't unders--  
Vincent: You told me to smile and nod...you should do the same...  
  
That gave me time to read what I needed, and I relearned everything about myself."  
  
All: Er...sure...  
  
"Alright. But the only reason I'm letting you live is because I haven't seen Fiona do anything wrong."  
  
Duo: (Tifa) Fiona just strangled Cid to death!  
Nate: (Cloud) Eh...I'll just give her a stern warning.  
  
^Sephiroth? Can you hear me?  
  
Vincent: (Sephiroth) Yes...but turn that carrot down.  
  
^^Yes, Fiona. What's wrong?  
  
Nate: Why is there a happy faced person next to that?  
  
^I don't like that one.. The ninja one. Something is strange about her.  
  
Duo: (Fiona) She's not wearing pants...Is that normal?  
  
^^What?  
  
Duo: (Fiona sighing) SOMETHING IS STRANGE ABOUT HER!!!!!!!  
Vincent: (Sephiroth) Come again?  
  
^I don't know.  
  
Nate: Well, thank goodness that puzzle's been solved.  
  
"Alright. I'll agree to that."  
  
Nate: We all agree...this story must end now.  
  
"I can't believe I'm a part to this."  
  
Duo: (Yuffie) Stupid orgy...  
  
Yuffie placed her hands on her hips, then ran out as the engines came to live in the largee airplane.  
  
Duo: Oh my God! The engine has a mind of its own! SAVE YOURSELVES!  
Vincent: Hmm...odd way to end a story...but at least it is over.  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Nate: Did they ever pave that road? There's a subplot that just went nowhere...  
  
Alright...   
  
All: Okay...  
  
^ is when Fiona talks to someone mentally.  
^^ is when Sephiroth talks to someone mentally.  
  
Vincent: Should she not have told us that earlier?  
  
Got it?  
  
All: Huh?  
  
Good. Feedback would be greatly appriciated... *nudge, nudge, wink, wink*   
  
Duo: (Eric Idle) Does your wife like to take...photographs? *Wink, wink, nudge, nudge*, say no more!  
Nate: Whew...let's jet, guys.  
Vincent: Indeed.  
(Everyone gets up and leaves the theater)  
  
1...2...3...4...5...6...  
  
"So...have your spirits been broken yet?" asks Reno. "Eh...? What the hell are you doing?"  
"Nah, we're doing great!" replies someone in a black mage costume. His voice is undoubtedly Nate's.  
"...How did your eyes get so beady?" asks Reno.  
"Hell if I know...but for some reason I can also cast most black magic spells and conjure creepy stuff; all thanks to this costume!" replies an excited Nate. "I mean...if I had MP that would mean something..."  
Duo walks in wearing a Robin Hood type outfit. "Eh...this was all I could find," states Duo.  
"Yuck, man, you look...weird," says Nate with a loss for words.  
"I've noticed that most forest creatures follow me around, and people seem to turn merry whenever I approach them...but other than that this suit doesn't do much..." sadly replies Duo.  
Vincent walks in, looking normal. "I am not wearing that final costume," he bluntly states.  
"Why not?" asks Nate in disappointment.  
"It is a Dancer costume from your Final Fantasy Tactics game...I am not putting that on under any circumstances..." replies Vincent.  
"Okay, all of you shut up," says Reno. "A strange side effect of reading bad fanfiction is to dress up in costumes...fascinating...Well, you can have your fun...but beware the next time I send you fanfiction...goodbye." Reno's image vanishes on the monitor.  
"Well, I'm getting the hell out of this stupid-ass costume," says Duo, retiring to his room.  
"I'm gonna find a way for me to get this 'MP' that you guys have," says Nate to Vincent as the former retires to his chamber.  
Vincent is left alone with his thoughts on the S.O.S.R.I.. "...I still do not understand those two...I never will."  
  
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Well, there you have it, folks. My Season Two premiere. Hope you enjoyed it. Please review as always. By all means, move on to Episode 202. Anyway, hope you enjoyed Season Two's opening. Have a good one. Peace.  
  
"Because I am telling the truth and if you do not believe me, you can ask her." She jerked her head back and another chocobo ran up.  
  
Nate: Ask her chocobo? That conversation would go nowhere fast.  
Vincent: Is Sephiroth actually dead?  
Duo: (Chocobo) WARK!  
Vincent: Is Fiona telling the truth?  
Duo: (Chocobo) WARK!  
Vincent: May I consume you for dinner?  
Duo: (Chocobo) WARK!  
Vincent: I will take that as a yes...  
  
~SpamBlade  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Episode 202

MALICIOUSLY SMELLY TEXTFICS 3000  
A WORK BY SPAMBLADE  
  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own not the idea of making fun of things (i.e. MST3K) nor do I own any FF7 or Gundam Wing characters. Any references I make to other games and such, well, I don't own those games or ideas either. The only character belonging to myself is Nate Garrack, so all of those rights are mine alone.  
  
  
FROM SPAMBLADE: Be sure to check out all of my Season One episodes. They're all compiled into one big chaptered thingamajig. It'd be good to read all that before you delve into this. And I give a very special thanks to sephiroth50000 for his story "Don't Make My Mistake" and I give full credit to TBOtaku for her story "Tit for Tat". Thanks to both of you!  
  
  
Fanfiction...the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Satellite Of Spiteful Ruthless Insanity (S.O.S.R.I.). It's really %^&*#@$ long mission, to read strange new tales. To seek out bad grammar and horrible plot. To boldly review what no man has ever willingly reviewed before!  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
In the not too distant future  
In a nearby time and space  
Nate Garrack and his two good friends  
Are caught in a real bad place!  
They have to survive the wrath of a Turk  
His name's Reno and he's a real big jerk!  
From the HQ below, he looks up at the sky  
Happily torturing all his captives on the S.O.S.R.I....!  
(Nate: Get me outta here!!!!)  
  
(Reno) I'll send them bad bad fanfics  
The worst I can find! (Aeris) La la la!  
(Reno) He'll have to sit and watch them all  
While I monitor his mind!  
  
Now keep in mind Nate can't control  
Where the stories begin or end!  
He'll try to keep his sanity  
With the help of his two good friends!  
  
Riffer role call!  
Nate! (Are we still here?)  
Vincent! (...)  
Duoooooo! (Are you crazy or sumthin'?!)  
  
If you're wondering how they eat and breathe  
And other science facts! (Aeris) La la la!  
Just repeat to yourself, it's simple text...  
I should really just relax!  
  
For Maliciously Smelly Textfics...3000!  
(TWANG!)  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Duo Maxwell," says Nate Garrack, reading from a piece of paper. "You have been found guilty of sexual misconduct, or to be more specific, inappropriate sexual remarks during a reading of the story '50/50'. How do you plead?"  
"What the hell are you talking about?!" yells Duo, sitting in a chair. "Neither of ya'll gave a rat's ass about what I said when I actually said it! What's the deal?!"  
"...The Women's Union of S.O.S.R.I. Reviews has stated," begins Vincent Valentine, "that you should be punished for your 'sexist' remarks during our previous fanfiction reading."  
"So what?! They can't harm any of us...we're friggin' trapped up here! What's the big deal?!"  
"Quiet," bluntly says Vincent. "The union wishes for you to be abused and beaten for your behavior."  
"So how do you plead?" repeats Nate.  
"I'm not guilty, you moronic bitch!" yells Duo. "Who gives a !@#% about what I said?!"  
"I believe the verdict is clear, Nate," says Vincent, tossing his paper aside.  
"I suppose so..." says Nate. "Very well."  
"Wha--what're you gonna do?" asks Duo worriedly.  
"Bring 'em in!" yells Nate to Vincent.  
Vincent opens a door on the other side of the room. From that door suddenly emerges several tiny blue-clad midgets wielding nightmarish-looking salmon and other various assortments of fish.  
"Good God, no!" yells Duo. "You summoned midgets to beat me with fish?"  
"It seemed to be the best idea," says Vincent simply.  
"Ouch! @!^%!!! HELP!" yells Duo, running wildly around the room to avoid the blunt, painful attacks of sea-life.  
"Hmm..." says Nate as he watches Duo being pelted with a trout, "Do you think we were too harsh?"  
"It fails to bother me," shrugs Vincent. "Ah...I see that Reno is calling us."  
"Hello, my friends," says Reno as his image appears on the screen. "Er..." he says as he watches the rather unusual events on the satellite. "Odd..."  
"Can we help you?" asks Nate.  
"HOLY !$@%#@$%!!!!!!!!!!" yells Duo as he is drawn into a corner. One menacing midget hurls a spearfish at the gundam pilot.  
"I have today's experiment prepared. After...hmm...tweaking...some variables, I believe at least one of you will succumb to the power of horrible plot and painful reading."  
"You always say that," says Vincent, not taking his eyes off the fish attack.  
"That's not the point!" says an angry Reno. "Hmph...anyway, today's fic is an odd piece called 'Tit for Tat', written by TBOtaku. Also featured is a short called 'Don't Make my Mistake', written by sephiroth50000."  
"OW! MOTHER OF...GET THEM OFF ME!!!!" exclaims a seemingly mortally wounded Duo, although he really has suffered no real wounds or scars.  
"Okay, okay, guys, head on home...he's had enough," waves Nate as the midgets leave the room and the satellite.  
"Ugh..." explains Duo as he lays in a crumpled heap on the ground, smelling of trout and bass.  
"Well, it seems that you are all prepared," says Reno. "Aeris! Send them their fics!"  
"We should really do something about Aeris's possession..." says Vincent.  
"Yeah, maybe later," agrees Nate.  
Aeris appears on the screen, chanting. She finishes by saying, "SCROO OOO TUUU!"  
"Did she just say 'screw you too'?" asks a perplexed Nate.  
"I would rather not know," answers Vincent.  
"Urk..." twitches Duo.  
Their conversation is interrupted as lights and buzzers careen throughout the room. "Hey, get up, Duo!" yells Nate. "WE GOT FANFIC SIIIGGGNNN!!!!"  
  
6...5...4...3...2...1...  
  
(Nate and Vincent enter and take their respective seats)  
Nate: Where's Duo?  
Vincent: Recovering, I suppose.  
Nate: Well, it's starting.  
  
This is my first fanfic so constructive flaming please.  
  
Nate: Yeah, like what we say is at all "constructive".  
  
disclaimer: I dont own any ff charcter blah blah blah  
  
Vincent: That depends on what 'ff' stands for.  
Nate: !$#%!@& Flatulence.  
Vincent: Four Feces...  
  
on to the story  
  
Vincent: I would much rather be in my coffin paying for sins than observe this...  
  
It was a normal day in Costa Del Sol,  
  
Nate: Everyone writhing with sunburn.  
  
Tifa and Aeris were fighting,  
  
Nate: Tifa and Aeris should audition for a Tenchi Muyo episode...  
  
Cloud and Sephiroth were at the bar,  
  
Vincent: I see...after Sephiroth is defeated, he becomes a depressing drunk.  
  
Vincent and Yuffie were doing whatever they do in the basement,  
  
(Vincent cocks an eyebrow)  
Vincent: Excuse me?  
Nate: (To himself) Oh, dear...(To Vincent) Playing cards, Vincent. Don't be so paranoid.  
Vincent: Ah yes, yes, of course.  
  
RedXIII slept,  
  
Nate: While Cloud kicked a soccer ball into his head.  
  
and Barret Cid and Cait Sith were fighting over the tv.  
  
Vincent: People fall in love with the strangest things...  
(Duo stumbles in and falls)  
Duo: Oooffffff...  
Nate: Good lord, man. You alright?  
Duo: I need a shower...and I'm boycotting fish for a few weeks.  
Vincent: Have a seat.  
Duo: (Sarcastically) Thanks...  
  
Cloud: So what should I do?  
  
Duo: About what?  
(Nate tells Duo the goings-on)  
Duo: Well, have a threesome, obviously.  
Vincent: Do you not remember why you were viciously beaten with fish in the first place?  
Duo: C'mon, it's the logical thing to do!  
Nate: (Sighs) You're hopeless, man.  
  
Sephiroth: Well if I was you I'd break up with them both and never return.  
  
Duo: Since when was he going out with either of them?  
Nate: Cloud's too dense to actually know what's going on.  
  
Cloud: I don't know I think that as I turn around to leave my kidneys would be in front of me.  
  
Vincent: (Cloud) If a surgeon cut my torso open as I was in the process of turning around...  
  
Sephiroth: Oh, ow that would hurt.  
  
Duo: That's what all the drugs are for.  
  
Cloud: Yeah...  
  
Nate: Dammit, Cloud, shut up. Don't you think that these are the kinds of problems that guys WANT to have?!  
  
Sephiroth50000:  
  
Vincent: Eh? When did Sephiroth become upgraded?  
Nate: Sephiroth version 50000.0, with new Pentium Cetra Processor.  
  
*totally drunk off his ass* Ya know I cuold write one to obsess over sephiroth.  
  
Duo: The hell?  
Nate: Well, he's drunk...so cut him some slack.  
Vincent: Why does Sephiroth say that his last name is "50000" whenever he is drunk?  
  
Cloud: That sounds good. I don't care who gets me as long as I can get some  
  
Duo: Period. End of sentence.  
  
peace,  
  
Duo: Whatever...we all know that "peace" is slang for--  
Nate: Just don't say anything!  
  
so it's your pick.  
  
Vincent: Heh, I am sure that Sephiroth is in high demand amongst women.  
Duo: According to sephiroth50000, women should be treated like stock.  
Nate: Buy low, sell high?  
Duo: Yeah, something like that.  
Nate: Oh...  
  
Sephiroth: You know I like Tifa so give Tifa the change.  
  
Duo: Would she really appreciate a gift of fifty cents change?  
  
I can't stand that annoying flower girl.  
  
Nate: Uh oh...he'd best watch out for the Aeris fans...  
  
Cloud: Sounds good.  
  
Nate: (Cloud) Anything you say, Sephiroth. I'll come back and kiss your ass later.  
  
Sephiroth: K I'll do it as soon as I finish my drink.  
  
Vincent: Do what?  
Duo: It.  
Vincent: Become sober?  
Duo: (Sighs) Not what I was thinking...  
  
Cloud: Ok, I think I'll turn in see you tomorrow Seph.  
  
Vincent: (Sephiroth) Alright, I hope your run-on sentence problem gets better.  
  
Sephiroth: C'ya  
  
Nate: The character of Sephiroth will be played by a drunk frat boy.  
Vincent: Must be a mistake in the casting...  
  
Sephiroth50000: Later.  
  
Duo: When did Sephiroth undergo mitosis? There's 50,000 of them now!  
  
*passes out*  
  
Vincent: The author cannot handle his own horrible writing.  
Nate: I wish I could pass out.  
  
* * * * * *  
  
Vincent: Six stars? He thinks very well of his work.  
  
*at Villa Cloud*  
  
Duo: Here's why you rename Cloud "Sex Factory".  
Vincent: Villa Sex Factory?  
Duo: Exactly! It's awesome!  
  
Tifa: Bitch!  
Aeris: Whore!  
  
Nate: Why are Tifa and Aeris reenacting Tenchi Muyo scenes?  
Vincent: No one will ever know...  
  
Tifa: Pansy ass flower girl!  
Aeris: Big breasted floozy!  
  
Vincent: And yet they never seem to run out of new insults...  
  
*cloud enters*  
  
Duo: And if he's smart, he'll immediately leave.  
  
Aeris/Tifa:CLOUD!!!  
  
Vincent: Aeris divided by Tifa equals Cloud?  
  
*they run up to hug him and get into another fight*  
  
(Everyone has an eyebrow cocked in confusion)  
Nate: Massacring Cloud to show their love for him...how...I dunno...sweet, I guess.  
  
*cloud goes into the living room*  
  
Vincent: When Tifa and Aeris come in, it will be called the dying room.  
  
Barret: Cloud tell cancer man that you want to watch A-Team.  
  
Nate: How come Marvel or Capcom never had a Cancer Man?  
  
Cid: No tell Reeves %&$#ing bed toy  
  
Duo: (Blinking) Boy toy?  
Vincent: (Frustrated) Bed toy...  
Duo: Either way, it still sounds disgusting.  
  
that Dukes Of Hazzard is on.  
  
Nate: Why the hell is he always watching that show? How does it relate to Cid at all?  
  
Cait: Tell Mr.T Barney is on.  
  
Duo: (Barret) I pity da foo' who don't let me watch A-Team!  
  
*meanwhile*  
  
Vincent: In a complete different story...  
  
Bar tender: Get out you drunk.  
  
Duo: Oh, okay. (Gets up)  
Nate: Won't work, Duo.  
(Duo sits down)  
  
Me: Ok ok I gotta help cloud out anyway.  
  
Vincent: When did the character Me appear in the storyline of Final Fantasy VII?  
Duo: Hell if I know.  
  
*stumbles home to computer*  
  
Nate: Home meaning parents' basement.  
  
Me: Ok so Seph wanted Aeris because he hates Tifa.  
  
Duo: Hmph, and people think I womanize and patronize females...just look at this! He's trying to WRITE A FIC WHERE WOMEN ARE PASSED AROUND LIKE BUTTER AT THE DINNER TABLE!!!!  
Vincent: It relieves most of your troubles, seemingly...  
Duo: Yeah...  
  
*Makes personality revision*  
  
Nate: Sometimes authors abuse their power far too much.  
Duo: Next thing ya know, Cloud's become the next pop sensation and Sephiroth tries on frilly panties for a living.  
Vincent: And sadly, authors can do that...in fact...that has probably been done...  
  
*at sephiroth's house*  
  
Vincent: Who would have thought that Sephiroth owned a pleasant split-level in Kalm?  
  
*phone rings*  
  
Nate: (Sephiroth) *Hic! Better answer the door...  
  
Me: Ok seph she'll fall in love when she sees you.  
  
Duo: (Author) Just drink the Love Potion #9.  
  
Seph: Gottcha I'll call Spikey.  
  
Nate: Sure, bring Buffy characters into the story...just worsen it, why don't you...  
  
*calls Cloud*  
  
Duo: (Author) HEY CLOUD!!!!  
Vincent: (Cloud) Use the phone...  
Duo: (Author) Oh...  
  
Cloud: Ok we'll do it at dinner tonight.  
  
Duo: No, no...not more yaoi!  
Vincent: Do not jump to conclusions...maybe "it" means...er...  
Duo: You're not helping, Vincent!  
  
*hangs up* Tifa, Sephiroth is coming over for dinner.  
  
Vincent: That is the least likely event to ever occur in FF7...  
Nate: Sephiroth brings over tea and begins talking in a poppish British accent.  
  
Tifa: Ok, I still don't see why he and you are friends but ok.  
  
Vincent: (Cloud) Oh...his attempt at planetary destruction was just his way of saying he wanted a secure friend and confidant...  
Nate: Kids do the darndest things.  
  
* * * * * *  
  
Vincent: Aim...fire...  
  
*that night about an hour before dinner*  
  
Nate: A big censor sign appears inside the house.  
  
*doorbell rings, Aeris ansers*  
  
Vincent: Hmm...you really do learn a new word everyday...  
  
Sephiroth: Uh hi Aeris  
  
Duo: (Sephiroth) Have you seen my punctuation?  
  
Aeris: Hi sephiroth you look hot.  
Seph: ...O...K...  
  
Nate: (Aeris) No, I'm serious. You're sweating real bad! You alright?  
  
*sephiroth goes to the kitchin*  
  
Duo: I could use a good chin kit, too.  
  
Seph: Hi tifa you look splendid tonight.  
  
Duo: (Sephiroth) In a slutty, dirty kind of way.  
  
Tifa: Don't give me any of that bs the only reason I don't kill you right here is because of witnesses.  
  
Nate: Oh no! Tifa is trapped in an anime full of rapidly talking, lips-out-of-sync people!  
  
Seph:*looks around* There's no one here.  
  
Vincent: (Tifa) I locked them all in the basement...  
  
Tifa: Look behind you.  
  
Vincent: Ah, the killer.  
  
Seph:Aeris!?  
  
Duo: Hey, it's Aeris! And she's wearing pants today!  
Nate and Vincent: (Deadpan) Yay...  
  
Aeris:*grabs seph and takes him to the others* Look who's here!!  
  
All: Norm!  
  
Yay sephiweffi is here.  
  
(Everyone looks disgusted)  
Nate: I can only take so much love mushiness before I get suicidal.  
Vincent: It would be quite interesting if the choir sung that name when we fought Sephiroth...  
Nate and Duo: (The choir) SEPHIWEFFI!  
Vincent: I was not asking you to actually sing...  
  
Everyone: ... ... ...  
  
Vincent: Why are they talking in morse code?  
  
???  
  
Duo: (Riddler) RIDDLE ME THIS, BATMAN! WHOO HO HOOOOOO!!!  
  
*at that moment as if on que  
  
Vincent: On que?  
Nate: ¿Que?  
Duo: Don't do that.  
Nate: ¿Que?  
Duo: Stop it...  
Nate: ¿Que?  
Vincent: Nate, you do realize that my gun is fully loaded and ready to kill, do you not?  
Nate: ¿Qu..ina? How's he/she doing?  
  
Vincent barrels out of the basenent wearing only blood red boxers and screaming*  
  
Duo: Ah, no different than usual.  
Vincent: I beg to differ.  
Duo: Well, you can't.  
  
Vinny:  
  
Vincent: No...do not call me that...ever.  
  
Please help she's going to kill me.  
  
Nate: (Chuckles) Wow, Vincent...you really sound terrified. Look at the sheer emotion in that sentence!  
  
Cloud: Who?  
  
Duo: (Cloud, stoned) ...Why? ...How?  
  
Vinny: Her.  
  
Vincent: Stop with that name...now...  
  
*yuffie then comes up the stairs  
  
Nate: Searching for her missing capital Y.  
  
wearing tight black leather and holding a whip*  
  
Duo: Dude, she's 16...  
Nate: That didn't stop the Olsen twins.  
Duo: Good point.  
  
Yuffie: Oh Vinnywinny  
  
Vincent: -_-  
Nate: You okay?  
Vincent: Do not talk to me...  
  
we still have an hour till dinner.  
  
Vincent: Given the way you are dressed and what you are planning, I would rather taste Cid's cooking than to be submitted to...that...  
  
Vincent: *being dragged into the basement* Noooooooooooooo!!!  
  
Vincent: Why am I being so weak? I could transform and tear her into shreds and eat the remains...  
(Nate and Duo look nervous)  
  
*screams are heard for the next couple minutes.  
  
Duo: Screams of pleasure...  
Vincent: No...  
Nate: Multiple orgasmic screams...  
Vincent: No...!  
  
they seem to get muffeled out*  
  
Nate: Because Vincent learned to actually enjoy needy women.  
Vincent: Do not start...  
  
Cloud: Ok so wants to watch a movie after dinner.  
Everyone: sounds good  
  
Duo: (Cloud) Home movies!  
(Nate groans)  
  
* * * * * *  
  
Duo: Snipers shot six people that night.  
  
*after dinner*  
  
Duo: Egh...we don't wanna know!  
  
Red: I wanna wach Lion King.  
  
Nate: (Red) The X-rated version...  
  
Cait: Barney.  
  
Vincent: Absolutely not...kill him now.  
  
Aeris: Titanic.  
  
All: Boo!  
  
Cid: Dukes Antholgy.  
  
Duo: Crap! It's crap!  
  
Barret: A-Team reunion.  
  
All: No.  
  
Vincent: Dracula Dead and Loving it.  
  
Vincent: An odd choice...but doable...  
  
Yuffie: I'm with Vinny  
  
Vincent: ...Do not...call me that...  
  
Tifa: Whatever Cloud wants to see  
  
Duo: Pardon me, Ms. Kiss Ass?  
  
Cloud: Lets let Seph decide.  
  
Duo: (Sephiroth) Got any pornos?  
  
Aeris: Seppywoff wach Titanic wit me.  
  
Nate: (Groans) Good God, get out of the third grade.  
  
*makes puppy dog eyes*  
  
Vincent: I am actually FOR Sephiroth killing her again at this point.  
  
Seph: Lets wach Dracula.  
  
Nate: Wach?  
Vincent: Wack...  
Duo: Cool, let's go wack Dracula!  
  
Aeris: *pout pout* Pwease  
  
Nate: Shut up! Whinny bitch...Vincent, don't ever let this author alter your personality.  
Vincent: That would only happen over my dead body.  
Duo: Any author could easily arrange that.  
Vincent: ...  
  
Seph: fine.  
  
Duo: Aeris slowly but surely puts that leash on poor Sephiroth...  
  
Aeris: Yay! My Seppy loves me.  
  
(Everyone cringes)  
Vincent: I cannot take this...this...fluffiness...  
  
*during the movie everyone falls asleep except Aeris and Sephiroth*  
  
Duo: Whoo! And we know what that means!  
Nate: Ah, please. This Aeris is too cutesy to actually know what sex is.  
  
Aeris: *crying*  
  
(Everyone groans)  
Nate: (Annoyed Sephiroth) What is it THIS time, Aeris?  
  
I love that movie so much, don't you seppyweppie?  
  
Vincent: (Sephiroth) Watching four hours of choppy romance and a slowly submerging death ship always makes my day.  
  
Seph: It was boring until she got naked then it sucked.  
  
Duo: Yeah, I'll drink to that!  
  
* * * * * *  
  
Nate: Tankers have aimed their shots at that damned Yellow Brick Road...goodbye Oz...  
Duo: Damn, I wish OZ would be history...  
Vincent: Which one?  
Duo: Oz and OZ.  
  
*Sephiroth leaves and calls me*  
  
Vincent: (Sephiroth) By changing personalities, I did not mean make her mind younger...  
  
Seph: That was a mean joke.  
  
Nate: Nowadays, changing personalities to satisfy somebody's love need is just not a real funny joke.  
  
Me: Wadda mean I did exactally what you asked.  
  
Vincent: (Squints eyes to read) He...made an exact tally of what he asked?  
  
Seph: The flower girl likes me now.  
  
Vincent: Simply kill her off, he makes such a big deal out of this...  
  
Me: Oh.  
Seph: Can you change it?  
  
Duo: (Author) Sure, I'll make Aeris a vicious killer and lust after your blood instead of your body.  
Nate: (Sephiroth) Sounds smart.  
  
Me: Yes... but I wont   
Seph: Why?  
  
Vincent: (Author) Because you stole my periods.  
  
Me: It's funny this way  
  
Nate: It's not really funny...it just makes me hate Aeris and makes me wish I could staple her mouth shut.  
Vincent: Indeed...  
  
*i hang up*  
  
Duo: Now he's gotta watch some porn.  
Nate: Porn?  
Duo: Yeah, what else would you do if you lived in your parents' basement all day?  
  
Well what did you think?  
  
Vincent: Fanfiction like this should be made illegal.  
  
I may add chapters if it gets good reivews.  
  
Vincent: Whatever those are...  
  
Feel free to flame me.   
  
(Vincent checks his pockets for Fire Materia)  
Nate: Wrong kind of flame, Vincent.  
Duo: C'mon, let's take a break.  
Vincent: I could use one...  
(Everyone leaves the theater)  
  
1...2...3...4...5...6...  
  
Duo turns on the television and flips through the channels. Ironically, he runs into a The Tick episode. Duo watches in terror as small blue midgets with fish pelt Tick mercilessly. "Hmph...so that's where Nate got that idea..." says Duo quietly to himself.  
"You know..." says Vincent. "I do not think any of us were exactly broken by that piece."  
"No kidding," agrees Nate. "Can whatever's up next be any worse than that?"  
"You watched TV and decided to beat me with fish?!" exclaims Duo.  
"Geez, you're still not over that?" asks Nate.  
"I smell like a combination of trout and ass, you bastard!" yells the gundam pilot.  
Reno's image appears on the satellite monitor. "Stop arguing and get back in that theater. The climax of this experiment is about to take place, so stop straggling," says the Turk.  
The room buzzes with light and noise again and everyone looks slightly worried. "Hmm...I have one of those...bad feelings," says Vincent.  
"You're not the only one..." replies Nate as the trio trudges into the theater.  
  
6...5...4...3...2...1...  
  
(Everyone takes their seats)  
Nate: Time for the main event.  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Duo: Minus minus minus minus minus minus--  
Vincent: Stop that.  
  
Tit For Tat  
  
Duo: Oh, so this is one of those "You show me yours, I'll show you mine" fics.  
Vincent: That is disconcerting...especially if I am involved.  
  
After thinking good and hard, and for lack of a better title,  
  
Nate: And lack of consideration for the readers...  
  
By: TBOtaku  
  
Nate: Otherwise known as Otacon's sister.  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Duo: A line segment involves two end points connected by a line.  
Vincent: How wise you are.  
  
Vincent Valentine groaned.  
  
(Vincent groans)  
Nate: Cool, you're the star again, buddy!  
Vincent: ...Leave me alone.  
  
His body had gotten damn beat up  
  
Duo: Which is a level or two above a regular beating.  
  
after that long battle with the Ultimate Weapon.  
  
Vincent: It really was not that hard...  
Nate: Besides, just rest at an inn for three seconds and you'll be perfectly fine.  
  
He needed a bath.  
  
(Nate sniffs Vincent)  
Vincent: What are you doing?  
Nate: You do kinda smell.  
Vincent: I will shower after this reading...  
  
With that thought, he walked into the bathroom of his room in Cloud's Costa de Sol villa and started to undress,  
  
Duo: Watch out! You'll be blinded!  
Nate: Beware of the typical lack of the FF character chest hair!  
Vincent: ...  
  
careful not to let his clothes touch the still fresh wounds on his skin.  
  
Vincent: Yes, of course...that must be the first thing on my mind.  
  
He turned the shower onto hot water, stepped in,  
  
Duo: Damn, my shower takes a good ten minutes to get that warm.  
  
and pulled the curtains in.  
  
(Nate and Duo let out a sigh of relief)  
Vincent: Hmph, and you consider yourselves to be shapely?  
Nate: Er...  
Duo: Well...  
  
Vincent sighed; he finally felt relaxed after being tense and cramped for so long.  
  
Nate: Until his limit break accidently went off.  
Duo: (Vincent) Ah, what a nice sho--er...AAAARRRRGHGGH!  
  
(Flashback to Cloud's car, two hours ago…)  
  
Vincent: Cloud owns a car?  
Nate: Car's exist in FF7?  
Duo: Cloud drives the short bus, remember?  
Nate: Oh yeah...  
  
"Why didn't you buy a bigger car?" Vincent grumbled.  
  
Vincent: I have a good point, we are insanely wealthy.  
  
Cloud looked him in the eye.  
  
Nate: The only one you can really see.  
  
"Because it was the biggest they had in Bone Village.  
  
Duo: Damn! They excavated a friggin' car?!  
Nate: One that works and can use unleaded gas, too.  
Vincent: The Ancients had impressive automotive technology.  
  
So sue me.  
  
Vincent: Very well, Cloud. I shall see you in court.  
  
And anyway I didn't have enough gil to buy the deluxe version after I bought that awesome sword."  
  
Nate: Why fight Sephiroth when you can blow off money for luxury items?  
  
Cloud smiled down at his new Moonblade sword.  
  
Duo: Well, that's weird. A typical store-bought sword is more powerful than the Ultima Weapon. That's really sumthin'!  
  
"Awww…you need a polishing, don'tcha? Yeeesss you do! Yessss you do! I bet you'd like that, wouldn't yo-"  
  
Duo: Oh my God...I don't even wanna know what happens in THAT relationship...  
  
"SOMEBODY had better SHUT THE )!#($!@ UP BEFORE I USE MY GUN ON YOU, FOO!"  
  
Nate: Wow, Vincent. You sure broke character fast.  
Vincent: I somehow doubt I said that...  
Nate: One of these days you will!  
  
Barret and Cid yelled simultaneously from the back seat next to Vincent,  
  
Vincent: Wow...I really feel sorry for myself.  
Duo: You always do.  
  
"BECAUSE IT'S GETTIN' ON MAH NERVES, STRIFE!  
  
Nate: It's strange how Barret and Cid said the exact same sentence at the exact same time...  
Duo: They probably prepared the line beforehand when they were taking a piss.  
  
"  
  
Nate and Duo: (Barret and Cid, speaking perfectly in tune with each other): BECAUSE I'M DAMN CONSTIPATED AND NEED A REST STOP, STRIFE!  
  
Cloud turns around and notices their newly upgraded weapons. O.O  
  
Vincent: And he immediately turns into Mickey Mouse without the ears...  
  
Vincent smiles,  
  
Nate: Bad Vincent, stay in character.  
Vincent: I am allowed an occasional smile, thank you.  
  
but then winces as that humungous idiot Cait Sith moved around again and bumped him on his arm.  
  
Duo: Whoa, how much space do those back seats have? Two huge people and two regular people...they should be in one of those SUV commercials.  
  
The arm that HURT.  
  
Nate: The same arm that has the "bad hand", as everyone loves to call it.  
  
He should just take out his claw and bludgeon that fool to death,  
  
Vincent: Of course.  
  
but he had proved himself in battle  
  
Vincent: How? By getting incorrectly lined up slots and wasting group time? Bludgeon him now...  
  
…stupid mog.  
  
Duo: (Scooby Duo villain) You could have gotten away with it if hadn't been for that Cait Sith...and his mog, too...  
  
Stupid cat, not to mention wacko pervert.  
  
Nate: What a great invention Reeve made. His very own toy pervert.  
  
Vincent had caught him looking in at him through a crack in the door while he was in the bath more than once.  
  
Vincent: (Cringing) He what?  
Duo: Whew...you might wanna have a talk with Reeve, pal.  
Vincent: I will set Cait Sith on fire at my whim.  
  
Remembering this, he flexed his claw restlessly.  
  
Nate: And then ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!!!!!  
Vincent: No...just minor arm movement...  
Nate: Oh, my bad.  
  
Cait Sith stopped moving abruptly.  
  
Duo: Damned Energizer batteries.  
  
(End flashback)  
  
Nate: Personally, I always have flashbacks that relate to how I wound up taking a shower.  
  
***  
  
Duo: I'd get that third eye removed if I was you.  
  
Meanwhile, Yuffie Kisaragi was busy "collecting"  
  
Duo: Boyfriends.  
Vincent: She must have difficulty with that.  
  
as she called it. In reality she was going through all of Vincent's stuff  
  
(Vincent sneers)  
Nate: Relax, it's "fic stuff" not "your stuff".  
  
in his room looking for some good materia to steal.  
  
Nate: (Yuffie) Let's see...Fire...Lightning...Shiva...Kill The Entire Earth...Ifrit...no good materia here!  
  
Vincent was bound to have something really good,  
  
Vincent: Why would I have anything? I believe Cloud would allocate the best materia to himself...  
  
she had never searched his room before.  
  
Vincent: And we should keep it that way, yes?  
Duo: ...No, sorry, pal.  
  
"Damnit, Valentine; where the hell do you put your @)#!( materia?!"  
  
Nate: The @)#!( materia? Just look in the @)#!( Room at the Honeybee Inn.  
  
She yelled,  
  
Vincent: And I heard her and shot her.  
  
frustrated after 15 minutes of searching.  
  
Duo: A genuine ninja, getting tired and lazy after things don't go her way.  
  
"…Waitasec, doesn't he usually take all his stuff-weapons included, that wierdo-into the shower with him?  
  
Vincent: What? Of course not. I am not so abnormal that I--  
Nate: Let it go...  
  
Awwww, damnit all to hell!  
  
Duo: I think Yuffie's been possessed by Cid.  
  
The things I do for materia…"  
  
Vincent: O_O  
Duo: Uh oh...  
Vincent: Does she actually plan on...?  
(Nate nods)  
Vincent: ...  
  
Yuffie squeezed her eyes shut for a minute and then opened them again.  
  
Duo: Yeah, then her contacts get stuck in her eyes and she dies.  
Nate: Dies?  
Duo: Sure, why not?  
  
An evil smile appeared on her face.  
  
Nate: Wow, the Sorceress moved on to possess Yuffie now.  
Vincent: She takes any trash she can find, I see.  
  
"Well, well, Valentine, we _are_ going to have some fun, aren't we?  
  
Vincent: I think not...  
  
Oh, yes we are….heh heh heh."  
  
Vincent: And she is not even sober...  
Duo: I think she is now possessed by Butthead.  
  
Yuffie quickly cleaned everything up and crept silently out of the room.  
  
Nate: The end! End it! Say it's the end of Chapter One! We don't want any more!  
  
***  
  
Duo: Nope...that means there's more...  
Nate: Oh, crap.  
  
The steamy shower calmed Vincent down.  
  
Duo: Calmer than he already is? Dude, he'd fall down dead if that happened.  
  
He slowly lathered up his hands and began washing his wounds,  
  
(Nate sings Psycho music)  
  
making sure to clean them so that he wouldn't be getting any nasty infections.  
  
Duo: Since when were you obsessive compulsive, Vincent?  
Vincent: Good question...  
  
The soap slipped from his hands and zipped around the tub until it settled in the bottom right corner.  
  
Nate: Oh no...no no no...just get some other soap up on the rack. UP, UP, UP, look up!  
  
Vincent bent down to get it.  
  
Duo: And he then realized that he was in a prison shower...  
Vincent: Ugh...you are only making this worse...  
Nate: Damn, I'm disgusted already...is it over?  
  
Yuffie saw her chance.  
  
Duo: Yuffie sees her chance as Vincent is bending over? For what?  
Nate: We always did say that Yuffie was part man...  
Duo: Nasty, man! Yuck...  
  
She had snuck into the bathroom through a secret passageway  
  
Vincent: Which was right next to the secret passageway leading from the Study to the Kitchen.  
  
used for emergencies  
  
Duo: In case somebody had to go THAT badly.  
  
about 10 seconds before and waited patiently.  
  
Vincent: For me to expose my rear end? She should not be seeing this...  
Nate: It probably is that nasty.  
Vincent: That is not what I meant...  
  
While Vincent was distracted,  
  
Duo: It must take you a long time to pick up a damn piece of soap. Is it moving around or something?  
  
she quickly went through all his things on the ground,  
  
Nate: (Yuffie) Towel...linen...towel...shampoo...Vincent's Playboys...  
  
making sure to put them back where they were before.  
  
Vincent: Right, back on the ground. A difficult place to miss.  
  
She checked his shirt  
  
Vincent: That is an invasion of privacy beyond compare...  
  
(hmm…nice. Was this made out of silk?).  
  
Vincent: No, it is made out of my sin that I had conceived during my long slumber...  
Duo: Er...right...  
Vincent: Hmm...very well...it is silk.  
  
No materia. She checked his gun.  
  
Vincent: The safety was off and she shot herself...  
  
No materia. She checked his pants  
  
Nate: I don't like where any of this is going...  
Vincent: (Cringing) You are not the only one...  
  
(Urgh, I think I'm gonna puke!).  
  
Duo: Do Vincent's pants cause motion sickness?  
  
No materia. She almost screamed.  
  
Nate: Then give up! Leave! Who in their right mind would bring materia into the friggin' bathroom?!  
  
'OH #)(@!  
  
Duo: Great, now Cid's in the bathroom!  
Nate: It's getting crowded.  
  
He musta taken it into the shower with him!  
  
Vincent: What? Is she out of her mind? I am not that paranoid about my possessions...  
Duo: Yeah, well...I hope you know what this is foreshadowing...  
Vincent: What do you mean?  
Duo: She wants materia, she thinks you took it with you in...there. Put two and two together.  
Vincent: Surely you--  
(Duo shakes his head)  
  
Nooooooo!!! Oh well; good thing I am the best Wutai ninja in history."  
  
Nate: Yeah, simply because she's the ONLY Wutai ninja in history.  
  
Yuffie let out a shaky sigh and stepped into the shower behind Vincent,  
  
(Vincent falls out of his chair in shock)  
Nate: Holy crap! You okay?  
Vincent: (Looks back up at the screen) So I was not imagining things...(Sits back down)  
  
her eyes closed tightly. Then she opened them.  
  
Vincent: Th--th--this is...wrong...very wrong...  
Duo: She opened them and it was all a dream!  
Nate: Welcome back to Kansas, Yuffie.  
  
The sight of it make her freeze where she was.  
  
Duo: (Snickering) Yeah...freezing in disgust.  
Vincent: Hmph, I am stronger than both of you put together. I should be patronizing you.  
Duo: Eh...  
  
Oh holy @)^!*# what a sexy bod that scary vampire guy had.  
  
Vincent: Urp...  
Nate: You okay?  
Vincent: This has to end...  
  
Yuffie stood frozen there, unable to move, much less take her eyes off Vincent searching for the soap.  
  
Duo: Good lord! Does the soap have evasive manuevers? You sure do take your time!  
Nate: He's letting Yuffie view the good stuff.  
Vincent: I hate you both.  
  
'I gotta get outta here I gotta get outta here I gotta get outta here I gotta get outta here'  
  
Nate: Is she rapping?  
  
was going through her mind like a broken record, but she was paralyzed.  
  
Duo: Vincent's ass cast Stop on her.  
Nate: Too bad the ass only has one materia slot.  
  
Another, more perverted thought crept into her head: 'Oh gawd; sexy sexy sexy sexy sexy sexy…'  
  
(Vincent gags)  
Duo: Just relax, buddy. This can't get any worse, y'know.  
Vincent: (Composing himself) Yes, you are right. Yet this is worse than any nightmare I may have had in my coffin...  
  
And still she stood, her hair and clothes getting soaked by the hot water, with her mouth hanging open like some kind of idiot.  
  
Nate: She IS an idiot. It's not hard for her to accomplish that.  
  
'Got it!' Vincent thought.  
  
Vincent: About time...the soap is a better antagonist than Yuffie.  
  
He reached for the pouf(yes, the pouf.)  
  
Vincent: Pouf? And that is...?  
Duo: Poof?  
Nate: Poop?  
Vincent: So I am either reaching for a large, fluffy cloud or a pile of feces?  
  
hanging behind him. But where was the pouf?  
  
Duo: Better question: What is the pouf?  
  
And why was there something soft behind him instead of the rack and the wall?  
  
Nate: Oh...no...  
Vincent: What is it?  
  
"Uhhh…" Vincent turned around…  
  
Duo: And then the earth ended! What a fitting conclusion. Eh...heh...(He shifts uncomfortably in his seat)  
  
And saw that he had his hand clenched on the left breast of Yuffie Kisaragi.  
  
Vincent: Ack! Oomph! Urk...! (He begins convulsing)  
Nate: Oh my God! You okay?  
Vincent: Urp! Aaaahhh! Help...!  
Duo: !@#%^!!!!!  
  
O.O  
  
Duo: And Vincent immediately transformed into Goofy.  
Vincent: I...I...must...  
  
"…OH MY GOD HOLY MOTHER )!#(@!ING @)(#!)@!!)$(!@# WHAT THE )#($!)(!)! ARE YOU DOING HERE YUFFIE KISARAGI OH @)(#!)!! OH MY GOD GET OUT! GET OUT! OH HOLY MOTHER @)#(! @!#(!!@#(!)@ )@$T)^Y&!)!)(#@ )(&@)$&$(*(**(#*)(*(&^#)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Nate and Duo: ...Whoa...  
Vincent: (Finally composed) Alright...enough is enough...I--  
Nate: C'mon, Vincent. The absolute worst is over, right?  
Vincent: (Rubs his eyes, trying to forget what he read) Yes...but I will be washing that horrible breast clenching hand for several hours after this story is over...  
  
Barret, Tifa, Cid, Cloud, Aeris and Red XIII looked up from watching the TV.  
  
Duo: They actually agreed on something to watch?  
  
Cait Sith was outside busy repairing his mog body.  
  
Vincent: (Voice still a little choppy from shock) Using what? Cotton?  
  
"Uhh, Cid, I think you'd better go check on him," Red XIII said.  
  
Nate: (Vincent) No thanks! Bathroom's already pretty crowded!  
  
"What the f*ck?! Why me, you lousy dog??  
  
Duo: Who knows what he is...? Cat? Dog?  
Nate: More like a Cog or a Dat.  
  
Why don't YOU go, or better yet, why doesn't Tifa or Barret go?"  
  
Duo: No matter who you send, things'll get a bit awkward.  
Nate: Just a wee bit.  
  
Cid yelled. But it was too late. Tifa, Barret, and a hysterically laughing Cloud  
  
Nate: Huh? Did someone give Cloud laughing gas or something?  
Duo: Yeah...hey, Vincent! How come you're being so quiet?  
Vincent: Leave me alone...I am still recovering...  
  
had dragged him to the bathroom door and shoved him into it.  
  
Vincent: Everyone has forgotten how doors actually work. You must open them, you see.  
Nate: Impressive...  
  
Cid slammed into the door, and the force of his body hitting the wood broke it open.  
  
Vincent: (Recovering his dark side) And the wood penetrated his skin, gave him ganegreen, and he immediately died.  
  
SLAM!  
  
Nate: The fic is done in the style of an old Batman episode.  
  
The foursome stared goggle-eyed at the scene before them:  
  
Vincent: No...no, do not reexplain the scene.  
  
Vincent Valentine, naked as a newborn baby,  
  
Duo: Had Yuffie in one of those positions that only the Kama Sutra tells us of.  
Vincent: Disgusting...  
  
was clutching at Yuffie's left boob  
  
Vincent: What? Still? The entire time I have been--? (Starts convulsing again)  
Nate: ...Looks like it.  
  
and sounded like he was choking.  
  
Duo: I hear ya, man. No mortal could survive after THAT kind of experience.  
  
The shower was still on,  
  
Nate: Bathroom was flooded beyond belief.  
  
but the curtain had been pushed aside.  
  
Duo: Then everyone gets a free show!  
Vincent: I...I...I hate...everything...  
  
It also looked like Vincent was having a nosebleed.  
  
Nate: The part of Vincent will be played by Tenchi Masaki...  
  
A very, very bad nosebleed.  
  
Duo: And then he died of bloodloss. End!  
Vincent: Grr...if only...  
  
Tifa, Cloud, Barret and Cid: O.O… YAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~!!!!  
  
(Nate and Duo can practically hear the sound of Vincent's mind snapping in half)  
Nate: Um...Vincent?  
Vincent: (Stands up, deadly calm) Enough is enough...  
Duo: Vincent?  
Vincent: Look, my friends...look at what these authors put me through. First myself and Cloud are engaged in sexual relations...now I am grabbing a hideously ugly girl's breasts...I refuse to stay for this humiliation...  
Nate: ...Vincent?  
Vincent: Enough...(He moves forward toward the theater's front)  
  
The awkward couple slowly turned toward them.  
  
Nate: Wow, they're already a couple. They move fast.  
(Vincent throws his gun and cape on the floor)  
Duo: What are you doing?  
Vincent: ...Leaving.  
Duo: You can't do that!  
Vincent: Watch me...  
  
Then Vincent noticed that he was still holding onto Yuffie's breast and let go.  
  
Nate: And after doing that, the planets finally regained their balance and Hell stopped freezing over.  
(Vincent removes his mask and throws it to the ground. He begins glowing red)  
Duo: Oh, no...not again...  
  
"…Excuse…me…"  
  
Duo: (Vincent) Would this be your boob?  
  
Yuffie turned around, sat down, hugged her knees, and screamed…extremely loud.  
  
Duo: Wow, some girls orgasm at the tiniest things...  
(Vincent's form grows larger, his arms and legs bulge and pulsate)  
Vincent: Errgh...!  
Nate: Er...  
  
Likewise, Vincent had finally regained his aura of death and silence-  
  
Nate: Like that would make things less awkward.  
(Wings sprout from Vincent's back)  
Duo: Should we...panic?  
Nate: Just remain calm.  
  
not to mention common sense-and wrapped a towel around his torso.  
  
Duo: Then that pervert Cait Sith snatched the towel and took some pictures.  
(Vincent completes his transformation by growing horns out of his head)  
Nate: Oh, great...  
  
Then he grabbed Yuffie,  
  
Duo: And passionately--  
Nate: No, Duo...no.  
Chaos: Heh...heh...urrr...  
  
threw her out of the bathroom and slammed the door shut.  
  
Nate: Yup, he and his hand need some time alone...  
Chaos: Urrrgh...RRRRRRRAAAAAAARRRRRR!!!!  
Duo: Stop making fun of Vincent! He's friggin' pissed!  
Nate: You were doing it too!  
(Chaos flies through the theater door, leaving Nate and Duo behind)  
  
After about 20 seconds, he came back out, fully dressed this time and stared at Yuffie.  
  
Nate: (Yuffie) Same time tomorrow?  
Duo: (Vincent) You bet!  
Nate and Duo: ...  
Nate: Maybe we should check on things...  
Duo: Good idea...  
(They quickly leave the theater)  
  
1...2...3...4...5...6...  
  
The duo quickly runs out of the theater door in search of the berserked Vincent. "I don't see anything," explains Nate.  
"And I don't hear anything," says Duo.  
"Huh? That's odd," says Nate as he looks at a blinking light with the word "odd" on it.  
"Can we find him?" asks Duo.  
Nate punches some buttons and throws some switches. "Oh my God!" yells Nate.  
"What?" replies Duo.  
"There's a gapping hole in the satellite! He broke out!" yells Nate.  
"!$%$#!!!" yells Duo. "Get Reno!"  
"I'm trying! There!"  
Reno's image appears. He is lying on a lawnchair reading a magazine raving about the Turks. "Heh...we are cool, aren't we?" says Reno.  
"RENO!!!!" yells the two on the satellite.  
"The hell? What do you want?"  
"Listen!" yells Nate. "Vincent went berserk during the fic, turned into a demon, and busted out of the satellite!"  
"He's out of the satellite!?" Reno throws his magazine on the ground and practically falls out of his lawn chair. "Damn it! He can't leave now! This will ruin the experiment!"  
"What about our oxygen?" asks a concerned Duo.  
"Yeah, yeah, I'll get to that!" yells Reno. "Just finish that story. Leave Vincent to me."  
"Didn't you say that would ruin the experiment?" asks Nate.  
"I'll have to find a replacement, but at this hour? Impossible..." Reno murmurs to himself. "Just get back in the theater!"  
Nate and Duo quickly return to the theater as the alarms and lights blink after them.  
  
6...5...4...3...2...1...  
  
(Nate and Duo take their seats)  
Nate: Damn, Vincent really couldn't take all that imagery.  
Duo: It ain't the same without him. Death has its cool moments.  
  
"Yuffie Kisaragi what do you think you're doing in the shower with me?!" He demanded.  
  
Nate: And now Vincent talks like Pops Racer.  
  
Yuffie sensed that she was being ordered around  
  
Nate: (FF7 Game Message) Vincent...Level 99...HP 9999...MP 999...Ordering People Around...  
  
and quickly regained her composure. "I was looking for materia and couldn't find it in your room so I thought you took it into the shower with you so I snuck into the bathroom but I didn't find any materia in your stuff there either so I thought you had it in the shower with you so I went in to see"  
  
Duo: (Vincent) Oh...my mistake! I thought it was something stupid or weird! My bad!  
  
she prattled. Yuffie took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  
  
Nate: And her breath was set free into the wild to mingle with other little breaths and make a whole little breath family...  
  
"You pervert! For your information I hide my materia in Cid's closet next to his porno magazines!"  
  
Nate: Oh, I guess the Right Hand Movement Plus Materia belongs to Cid.  
  
Vincent yelled. Cid turned scarlet  
  
Duo: He turned scarlet in the Lounge with the Lead Pipe.  
  
and mumbled something about "getting em for the coupons."  
  
Duo: 50% off all lubricant!  
Nate: Ick.  
  
Tifa acted swiftly and pounded his head into the floor with her elbow.  
  
Nate: And broke his neck, instantly killing him.  
Duo: You're not supposed to be saying that kinda stuff.  
Nate: Somebody's gotta do it...  
  
Meanwhile Cloud had been laughing the whole time and was still at it now.  
  
Duo: What the hell's wrong with him? He's been laughing ever since the beginning!  
  
Barret took the lead and pulled Yuffie none too gently into his room.  
  
Duo: For some red-hot luvin'!  
Nate: (Redneck Barret) C'mon baby! I'm gonna make luv to ya!  
  
"Now, Yuffie, I know you ain't a pervert,  
  
Nate: The first of many bald-faced lies said by Barret...  
  
or at least I hope to God you're not, but this is just plain wrong and I want you to explain yourself before I gotta pound your girly ass in front of everybody,"  
  
Duo: My money's on Barret for that fight, I dunno why.  
  
Barret growled.  
  
Nate: He then proceeded to fetch, roll over, play dead, and lick himself.  
  
"It's just like I told ya, Barret! I was looking for his materia and I froze when I saw him!  
  
(A figure walks into the theater)  
Duo: Who the hell?  
???: Hi guys!  
Nate: ...Aeris?  
Aeris: Yeah, it's me! How's it going?  
Duo: Hey, you're dispossessed!  
Aeris: Nah...(Suddenly sounds very evil) I am still the embodiment of the great sorceress...and any resistance means your death...  
Duo: Uh...pudding?  
  
I didn't MEAN to just keep staring at him like that!"  
  
Aeris: Yeah, and you two can't stop looking at me!  
Nate: Um...if you're still possessed, then why are you acting like the old Aeris?  
Aeris: Reno told me to, in order to make his silly experiment more valid or something. Hee hee!  
  
Yuffie protested.  
  
Duo: And I protest to having Mrs. Satan in the theater!  
Aeris: Tee hee!  
  
Barret eyed her for a second.  
  
Nate: His brain immediately hurt from the image.  
  
"Yuffie, was that your first time seein a man naked?"  
  
Duo: Nah, Yuffie's looked in the mirror plenty of times.  
  
Yuffie nodded. "Oh, lord. Yuffie I suppose your father never gave you 'the talk,'  
  
Aeris: Ancients never get "talks" either!  
Duo: Ah, that's too bad. You never get some?  
Aeris: Some what?  
Duo: Heh, heh, nevermind. (To himself) Maybe a chick in here ain't so bad...even if she is possessed and very evil...  
  
right?" Yuffie shook her head no. "Oh, LORD," said Barret.  
  
Nate: Hmm...he's turning into a televangelist.  
  
"Ok, well let's just close the door,  
  
Duo: Damn, what's Barret planning? Eh, eh? Wink wink-  
Aeris: There are ladies present, mister!  
Duo: (To himself) I take it back...this sucks.  
  
and don't you ever say a WORD  
  
Aeris: (Vanilla Ice) To your mother...  
  
about this, girl, or I am really going to kick your ass to Midgar."  
  
Nate: (Kid) And then I'll kick your sorry arse until you kiss the moons!  
  
Barret shut the door.  
  
(Duo hums cheap porno music)  
Nate: Barret would probably be a good pimp if he got one of those pink overcoats and neat canes.  
Aeris: Pimpin'...  
  
After two hours, a lot of crayons, cross-dressing, and much serious talking,  
  
Duo: Crayons?  
Aeris: Everyone's gotta learn how to color code people's private parts.  
Nate: Be careful with the colors...last thing you want is a purple who-who and a green yum-yum.  
Aeris: You're sick!  
Duo: All guys are, live with it.  
  
Yuffie got the full dose of "the talk."  
  
Aeris: In a neat little pill form.  
  
Slowly, she stood up from her sitting position on the bed and walked out of the room, closing the door softly behind her.  
  
Nate: Barret will now take Yuffie out to pasture...  
  
"EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW GAWD I AM NEVER HAVING SEX I NEVER WANNA SEE ANOTHER NEKKID GUY AGAIN IN MY LIFE!"  
  
Aeris: Peace, girlfriend!  
  
Yuffie screamed. Five pairs of eyes stared at her.  
  
Duo: Strangely, they all belonged to one person.  
  
Vincent was sulking in his room.  
  
Aeris: And goodness knows where he is right now.  
  
Yuffie ran into her room and got dressed faster than she had ever gotten dressed in her life,  
  
Nate: She's been naked this entire time? No wonder things are so awkward.  
Duo: And are also now very disgusting.  
  
coming out in a white tank top and jeans shorts.  
  
Aeris: Don't forget your tampons!  
Nate and Duo: ...  
  
Then she walked into the hall and headed towards the living room. As she rounded the corner, she smacked into something solid.  
  
Nate: Right, the corner.  
  
And that something solid was Vincent Valentine,  
  
Aeris: At least he's not in liquid or gas form.  
  
a shocked look on his face with skin matching his capes.  
  
Duo: Damn, how many does he need? It's hot in Costa del Sol!  
Nate: He has a little magician act.  
  
"…" He stared at her for a second and then walked away into the living room.  
  
Nate: Where he rightly vomited.  
Aeris: What's so bad about Yuffie, guys?  
Duo: Just look at her, she's a disgusting goo of human existance.  
Aeris: Meanie!  
  
Yuffie looked at her feet and followed him.  
  
Aeris: Well, okay, so she's stalking him. What's the big deal? It's cute!  
  
***  
  
Aeris: Hey, it's one of those star-struck cyclops!  
  
The group eyed the pair at dinner.  
  
Duo: Kind of hard not to do when they're having sex on the table.  
  
Neither was eating a bite.  
  
Duo: Rather, they were eating-  
Aeris: Eww, cut it out!  
Duo: Heh...I've got a million of him, baby...  
Aeris: Boys are nasty.  
Nate: Great job, Duo. She loves ya already.  
Duo: Heh heh...yeah...  
  
Both were staring at the meal as if their lives would end if they looked up from the plate.  
  
Nate: Well, that's what the creepy executioner guy told them.  
  
"Anyone want cherry pie?"  
  
Aeris: Duo, if you say anything about cherries, I'll summon the Ancients and mess you up!  
(Duo mumbles)  
  
Tifa offered helpfully.  
  
Duo: Sure, I'll have Tifa's cheery pies!  
Aeris: You asked for it, mister!  
Duo: What'd I do?!  
  
Normally Yuffie loved cherry pie.  
  
Nate: And normally we hate Yuffie. And that has not changed.  
  
But tonight she just kept staring at her food.  
  
Nate: She was determined to win the staring contest, at all costs...  
  
Vincent was busy checking his claw,  
  
Aeris: For what? Termites? Sins that call for eternal sleep?  
Duo: (Vincent) Damn...a tick...flea...memories of Lucrecia...  
  
and silent as always. Cloud took advantage of the situation and started shoveling as much food into his mouth as possible.  
  
Duo: Is he still laughing like a dumbass for no particular reason?  
  
He was reaching for the last slice of pie when he saw another hand going toward it at the same time. Cid.  
  
Nate: It was love at first sight.  
  
The two men started death glares at each other and started getting into fighting mode.  
  
Aeris: Cloud's equipped with the Spatula Blade, Napkin Armlet, and he has the Hunger Ring! Cid's got a mean Salad Fork Spear, Tablecloth Armlet, and the deadly Tummy Ache Badge!  
  
Yuffie stole a quick glance at Vincent,  
  
Nate: (FF7 game message) Couldn't steal anything...  
Duo: (Yuffie) Dammit!  
  
who just happened to be staring at her too.  
  
Duo: Unfortunately, Vincent had a taste for human flesh after his little "incident".  
  
They blushed deeply,  
  
Aeris: (Giddily) And then their heads just burst into flames!  
Nate: Eh?  
Aeris: Oops! (Sorceress again) I can't kick old habits...bwa ha ha...  
Duo: (Uncomfortable) Uh huh...  
  
and Yuffie started turning away, but noticed that Vincent had not taken his eyes off her.  
  
Nate: Well, at least Vincent went berserk before he read this...otherwise he'd be really REALLY super pissed...  
  
Meanwhilst Cloud flew like a drunken pixie out of the window  
  
Aeris: When Tinkerbell goes bad...  
  
and Cid, with a happy look on his face, was stuffing the pie into his mouth.  
  
Duo: All this pie in a fic, and no one has screwed it yet. What's up with that?!  
Nate: It's just not apple enough.  
  
^_^  
  
(Aeris's eyes twinkle happily as well)  
Nate: Ugh...too much cuteness.  
  
Vincent stood up suddenly and beckoned at Yuffie with a twitch of his finger.  
  
Nate and Duo: AHHHH!!!!  
Aeris: What's wrong?  
Duo: That's the most evil statement I've ever seen!  
  
Confused, she followed him out of the villa and into the humid Costa de Sol night air.  
  
Nate: (Clutching his stomach in pain) End...end there! PLEASE!!!  
Aeris: Hey, it's over!  
Nate: (Quickly) Oh, thank God!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Duo: Several people with eye twitches have just seen a big time celebrity...  
  
You like?  
  
Nate: No!  
  
Then go on to chapter 2!  
  
Nate: (More intense) NO!  
  
And don't forget to review!  
  
Nate: (Mad) Stop telling me what to do! Give me freedom!  
  
Thank you for reading!  
  
Aeris: Hee hee! Like they had any choice!  
  
This is my second fan fiction so far!  
  
Duo: Why not make it your last as well?  
  
Don't worry, I'm starting chapter 2 right after I post this!  
  
Aeris: Yay! More stuff to read! You guys are the best!  
Nate: Please leave us alone...  
  
Info: This chapter was written on April 8th, 2001 at approximately 8:42 PM Eastern Standard Time in Maryland, USA by TBOtaku.  
  
Duo: Umm...is there gonna be some kinda test on this?  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Aeris: Party streamers!  
Nate: That's enough. I'm gone.  
Duo: Don't leave me with her! She's too cute!  
Aeris: Wait up, guys! ^_^  
(Everyone leaves the theater)  
  
1...2...3...4...5...6...  
  
Aeris's nature quickly returns to the possessed evil that it was originally. She goes to the computer and hails Reno. "I have completed my task, Reno," says Aeris.  
"Good work, thanks for pitching in. Hope the fellas didn't rile you up," responds Reno.  
"No, although 'cutsiness' seems to bother them," says Aeris.  
"Whatever, anyway, the experiment's done. Now we just need to find where Valentine flew off to..." contemplates Reno.  
Nate approaches the computer, trying to keep his distance from Aeris. "What if you don't find him?"  
"If that happens, then I'll just have to replace him."  
"Replace?" asks Duo. "Not with her!" he adds, pointing to Aeris.  
"Doubtful, and also, I think I can track him down...we'll just have to see. Aeris, you get back down here. We have work to do!" bellows Reno.  
"Of course..." says Aeris as she quickly vanishes.  
"Huh..." says Duo.  
"Yup..." adds Nate.  
They are rather silent as they notice the vacant space next to the satellite "window". "Tell you what," says Nate. "I'll stare out at the window, and you sit and sulk at the table. It'll make it feel like Vincent's here and creeping us out, eh?"  
"Cool, we need to make some silence happen around here! Without Vincent, who will?" replies Duo.  
Nate stares out into space while Duo sits and stares at the table. After several minutes of complete silence, Nate says, "This is...boring."  
Duo adds, "No kidding...how does he do that?"  
"Whatever, I'm getting some sleep. Later." says Nate, going to his room.  
"Later," says Duo before nodding off to sleep at the table.  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
There you have it. Episode 202. Yep, Vincent made a bit of a disapperance, but I'll probably bring him back. That is, unless you, the readers, want to make some room for some special guests. If I get some good suggestions, I may write them in. If I decide otherwise, Vincent'll come back and creep us all out for a good laugh. Anyway, hope you enjoyed. Please review as always. And please, go on to the little bonus fic I included, and enjoy. Peace.  
  
"Damnit, Valentine; where the hell do you put your @)#!( materia?!"  
  
Nate: The @)#!( materia? Just look in the @)#!( Room at the Honeybee Inn.  
  
  
~SpamBlade  
  
  



	3. Whose Line Is It Anyway? Episode 2

SPAMBLADE PROUDLY PRESENTS HIS SECOND INSTALLMENT OF...WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY!  
  
Disclaimer: I, of course, do not own FF7, Gundam Wing, or Whose Line Is It Anyway?. They belong to Squaresoft, Hat Trick, etc etc. The host, Nate Garrack, belongs to me. Cool, huh?  
  
Note from SpamBlade: I gotta tell ya...after getting more than thirty reviews for my first WLIIA installment, I couldn't resist doing another one. It's just too damn right! However, most of my writing time will be spent on MSTs rather than Whose Line, but I'll try pop one of these in here every now and then. Hope you enjoy.  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
(Music plays)  
  
Nate: Good evening everybody, and welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?!!! On tonight's show...Do I even have a last name? RENO! People like me for my personality, right? TIFA LOCKHART! Water? Where's my damn tea? CID HIGHWIND! And...I'm not wearing any underwear...VINCENT VALENTINE! And I'm your host, Nate Garrack, come on down and let's have some fun!  
  
(Nate sits at the desk)  
  
Nate: Hey there, everybody, and I'm glad you're watching Whose Line Is It Anyway?, the show where's everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, just like having a sense of dignity at the Honeybee Inn, the points just don't matter. If you've never seen the show, we have our performers come down here and make up everything right off the top of their heads. I give them fakey points that don't mean a thing, and at the end I choose a winner, who gets to do a little something special with me...  
  
(Audience cheers and woos. Reno pretends to check his makeup and Tifa make kissy faces)  
  
Nate: Yep, and the loser gets to do the special thing that you're all thinking of. So, why don't we get started with a game called...Film, TV, and Theatre Styles. This for Cid and Vincent. They're gonna start out a scene like normal, but every now and then I'll buzz them with different styles of film, TV, and theatre, and I need some suggestions...now.  
  
Audience Member (AM): Gangster film!  
  
AM: Barney!  
  
AM: Horror!  
  
AM: High school play!  
  
AM: Star Trek!  
  
AM: Tragedy!  
  
Nate: Okay, okay, that's good.  
  
AM: Porn!  
  
Nate: I said, THAT'S GOOD! Alright, so, well, I guess you'd like a scene. Okay, Cid and Vincent are two prison inmates who can't stand the torments of prison life anymore and decide to plot an escape. So start like normal, I'll get ya some styles in just a sec.  
  
Cid: What's wrong?  
  
Vincent: I...I...dropped some soap.  
  
Cid: I warned you about that!  
  
Vincent: You said I'd get taken from behind! I thought you meant I'd get mugged!  
  
Cid: Yeah, you got mugged alright...  
  
(BUZZ)  
  
Nate: Off to a very tasteful start, great. Um...high school play!  
  
Vincent: And...so, I don't-do not, want to...(Giggles)  
  
Cid: (Whispers) Cut it out! (Slyly waves to somebody)  
  
Vincent: (Very badly) And we must get out and escape so that we may be free! (Laughs again)  
  
Cid: (Whispers) I said cut it out!  
  
(BUZZ)  
  
Nate: Barney!  
  
Vincent: (Childish) Barney, what's prison like?  
  
Cid: (Barney) Well, let me sing you a song!  
We love you!  
You love us!  
We'll cut your head until it fills with pus!  
We're great friendly guys, friendly as a mutt...  
Drop your soap and we'll get you in the butt...  
  
Vincent: (Childish) Wow, Barney, that's cool!  
  
Cid: (Barney) It's a great feeling and helps you grow!  
  
(BUZZ)  
  
Nate: I don't like where that's going, so switch over to Star Trek.  
  
Vincent: (Kirk, gasps) We-must-get-out...soon!  
  
Cid: Captain, we can use these toothpicks as a digging device. And...there's a shuttlecraft approaching, Captain.  
  
Vincent: (Kirk) Then...dig-so-we-can...escape!  
  
Cid: Captain, why don't we just beam out instead?  
  
Vincent: (Kirk) That-is-brillant!  
  
(BUZZ)  
  
Nate: Tragedy!  
  
Cid: I'm sorry, man, but that was just a tragic impression.  
  
Vincent: I know, my bad. Why don't we just leave? (Pretends to open cell door)  
  
Cid: It was open the whole time?  
  
Vincent: Yes, but at a very, er...tragic...expense. Many of our soldiers (stifles tears) died trying to open this door for us...it...oh woe is me!  
  
Cid: Hell, I don't care, let's go!  
  
(BUZZ)  
  
Nate: Horror!  
  
Cid: My God...the bars...they're moving around by themselves!  
  
Vincent: Wait! They're spelling something!  
  
Cid: It says...watch out behind you...  
  
Vincent: No! They're saying something else!  
  
Cid: What is it, man?  
  
Vincent: It says...reach for that soap...hmm...  
  
(BUZZ BUZZ)  
  
Nate: Great job, guys! (They take their seats) Thousand points to both of you. Let's move on to a game called...Scenes from a Hat! I personally love this game. (Everyone steps down, Reno and Tifa go to the left and Vincent and Cid to the right) I'm gonna take out some suggestions for scenes out of this hat, the good ones anyway, and see if these guys can act them out, starting with...confusing epitaphs.  
  
Reno: May he rest in peace...or directly behind you with a knife, huh? (BUZZ)  
  
Tifa: The one thing she would always say is that she hated flowers...(looks at her hands, apparently holding flowers)...oops. (BUZZ)  
  
Nate: Okay...something to say that'll make Tifa and Aeris fight.  
  
Vincent: Wouldn't it be great if Tifa and Aeris got into a fight? (BUZZ)  
  
Reno: Actually girls, Cloud likes me! (BUZZ)  
  
Nate: Whose Line Is It Anyway? outtakes.  
  
Cid: (Nate) Hi, and welcome to Whose Linen Is It...oh, damn... (BUZZ)  
  
Nate: Ha ha...um...how Cid's lungs must feel.  
  
Reno: Good God, I think it's gonna rain tar again today! (BUZZ)  
  
Tifa: (Whiney) Why'd we get so many black tattoos? (BUZZ)  
  
Nate: Odd things to say while using the bathroom.  
  
Cid: Personally, I enjoy the works of Ralph Ellison over Thomas Hardy. (BUZZ)  
  
Vincent: I think I can pass this! I think I can! I almost...oh, poop. (BUZZ)  
  
Tifa: Ah, this atmosphere makes me feel like I'm in sheer piss... (BUZZ) Bliss! (BUZZ) Whiz! (BUZZ) Jizz! (BUZZ)  
  
Nate: Heh, um...what Nate is thinking while watching Whose Line.  
  
Vincent: If only I had pants on, I could get up from this desk... (BUZZ)  
  
Reno: Damn, I'd rather be up in a satellite watching bad movies... (BUZZ)  
  
Tifa: You know, that Tifa is one hot-- (BUZZ) Oh, c'mon! (BUZZ)  
  
Nate: Let's end on...inappropriate prologues to a marriage proposal.  
  
Vincent: And further more, you owe me money for all those movies I took you to, you little bitch! Oh, and will you marry me? (BUZZ)  
  
Cid: And that's when I finally decided to become a man. So, will you marry me? (BUZZ)  
  
Reno: Damn, that girl's stacked! Oh, um...wanna get hitched? (BUZZ BUZZ)  
  
Nate: Great job, lots of points for everyone. Let's move on to Let's Make a Date! Tifa, you're going to appear on a dating type show, but unfortunately you have to choose between these three guys, who have all been allocated a strange trait or quirk. If you can guess what they are, Tifa, then you win. Otherwise, you have to go on a date with Cid. Go on whenever you're ready.  
  
Tifa: Hee hee! Um...Bachelor Numero Uno!  
  
Reno: (AERIS) Oh, it's YOU...  
  
Tifa: If you could be any kind of tree, which would you be?  
  
Reno: Geez, you always ask those stupid questions! No wonder he thinks you're so dull! I'd be a pleasant birch tree, but you'd be a big BITCH TREE!  
  
Tifa: Um...kay! Number two!  
  
Cid: (RESTING ON AN AIRPLANE ABOUT TO TAKE OFF) Ah...this is the life. Hey there.  
  
Tifa: Hi! What's your favorite kind of ice cream?  
  
Cid: (Has his hands behind his head, relaxing) Well, I dunno. I always like vanilla and...huh?(He bumps up and down slightly) Oh, !$^&. I thought I took care of that! I'd better! HOLY !$#@!!!!! (Grips onto his stool) AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!  
  
Tifa: You sound fun! Bachelor Number Three?!  
  
Vincent: (THINKS TIFA HAS A DEADLY, CONTAGIOUS DISEASE) Could you please not face me when you talk? (Covers his nose)  
  
Tifa: Um...that's rude! What's your favorite band?  
  
Vincent: God, I dunno. Just...damn it. (Pretends to spray disinfectant around him) There. I don't care. Just get away from me!  
  
Tifa: Well, fine! Number One!  
  
Reno: What do you want now? You know there's just no contest. I'll win it in the end, bitch! Whore! Busty slut! You just use your boobs for attention!  
  
Tifa: I think we'll be great friends...Number Two?  
  
Cid: AHHHHH!!! Get me down! Call the tower! Just GET ME DOWN!!!!!  
  
Tifa: Okey-dookie! Number Three?  
  
Vincent: What now? Where's the exit? (Covers his face again) Good God, that's hideous! Have you seen anyone about that?  
  
Tifa: (Looks annoyed) Um... (BUZZ BUZZ)  
  
Nate: Why doncha guess who they are?  
  
Tifa: Well, Number One could only be Aeris.  
  
Reno: Yes! (Hi-fives Tifa)  
  
Tifa: Number Two seems to be caught on a car or something.  
  
Nate: Hmm...not quite a car...  
  
Cid: GET ME DOWN! DOWN I SAY! I WANT DOWN! DOWN IS THE DIRECTION THAT I WANT TO GO IN!!!  
  
Tifa: Oh, he's on an airplane!  
  
Nate: Yes!  
  
Tifa: And Number Three's just a real big jerk.  
  
Nate: Ha, a little more specific.  
  
Tifa: Oh...um...you think I'm really ugly! (Vincent makes an X with his fingers and points the X at Tifa) Um...I don't know!  
  
Vincent: Better not sneeze in my general direction...  
  
Tifa: Oh, he thinks I'm germy! (BUZZ BUZZ)  
  
Nate: Yes, wonderful! Million billion points for Tifa. We're gonna go to a commercial, but come back for more of Whose Line, right after this!  
  
COMMERCIAL BREAK  
  
Ever get tired of trying to find that pesky remote control?  
  
Man: Dammit! Where's that stupid controller? Dammit!  
  
Well, now you don't need one! Use telepathy! Just insert the remote control microchip into your ear and push it in with a stick. Now you have full control over that pesky TV!  
  
Man: (Concentrates) Wow! It works! But hey, what if the batteries die?  
  
Don't you worry! The Tele-Remote functions and feeds off of your brain waves for power. Only until you're a mindless zombie lacking any brain function will you run out of power!  
  
Man: Cool! Hey...huh?  
  
Try the new Tele-Remote!  
  
END COMMERCIAL BREAK  
  
Nate: Hi, and welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?. We've got quite a contest going on here...Reno's just shot into a record fourth place. Let's try a game called...Duet! This is for Reno and Tifa. They're going to sing a Duet about somebody in the studio audience with the help of music master Duo Maxwell at the piano. (Nate gets up and selects someone) You!  
  
???: Hi.  
  
Nate: Hi, what's your name?  
  
???: Elena.  
  
Nate: Hi, Elena, what do you do?  
  
Elena: I'm a Turk, I work with Reno. Hey!  
  
Reno: Hi Elena...  
  
Nate: Okay, so Elena, she's a Turk, works with Reno and Shinra, and I'd like you to sing in the style of...hmm...why don't you jam as Metallica? And go, whenever you're ready.  
  
(Heavy metal music plays)  
  
Reno: HEEEEYYYYYY!!!! YEAH! Say your prayers, if you want, if you mind me so blunt, cuz Elena's nearbyyyyyyyy!!! She forced her way to Shinra Inc., and it made us all blink! Till the Turk Man had to coooommmmmeeee!!!  
  
Tifa: Watch her with all that blond hair...approach her if you darrrreeeee!!!!  
  
Reno: STUPID TURK! Her and her quirks! Enter our blight!!!! Take this pink slip! And go! Get out of my sight! TAKE IT BABY! (Pretends to jam on guitar)  
  
Tifa: Yeah! Something's wrong! It ain't right! Because tonight--she's got a big JOOOBBBB!!! She dreams of war, dreams of Tseng! But it'll end with a BAAANNNGGG!!! She forced her way to Shinra Inc., and it made us all blink! Till the Turk Man had to coooommmmeeee!!!  
  
Tifa and Reno: STUPID TURK! Her and her quirks! Enter our blight! Take this pink slip, go, get out of our sight! YEAH!!!! (BUZZ BUZZ)  
  
Nate: Great job, fantastic. (They sit down) You know what, I'm gonna give ten billion points. That's right, ten billion points and I'm givin' 'em to all the readers. Because I love them that much. Thanks guys! (Audience cheers) Yeah, yeah, okay. Let's move on to Mission Impossible! This is for Cid, Vincent, and Reno. Here you go, Reno. (Gives Reno a microphone) Cid and Vincent have a seemingly difficult mission to do, just like Mission Impossible, but let's give 'em something nice and easy to do...like...  
  
AM: Go to bed!  
  
Nate: Go to bed? Can't get much more simple than that. For the sake of our sanity, we'll have you two use different beds.  
  
Vincent: Thank you.  
  
Nate: Heh, yeah. So, take it away.  
  
Cid: I got another tape today. It says we could already be a winner!  
  
Vincent: We'd better play it...(Cid pretends to put in the tape)  
  
Reno: You can live with impotence if you have fun with impotence! First you just--  
  
Cid: Wrong side, sorry. There. Let's try it again.  
  
Reno: Good evening, gentlemen.  
  
Cid and Vincent: Hi.  
  
Reno: How are you?  
  
Cid: Fine, good.  
  
Vincent: My wife left me, I have a bad itch.  
  
Reno: Very good, glad to hear it. I have a very crucial mission for you. As you may be aware, there are one...oh...wait...no, two, yes two, "beds" upstairs.  
  
Cid: That's crazy talk!  
  
Reno: No, I'm quite serious.  
  
Cid: Oh...  
  
Reno: Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to approach these "beds" and sleep in them. If you fail to, the U.S. government will be forced to declare war, I can't explain it right now. It won't make sense!  
  
Vincent: Yes, of course!  
  
Reno: Good luck, gentlemen, this tape will explode when BOOM!  
  
Vincent: Ow, damn...  
  
Cid: We gotta fix that tape combustion thing.  
  
Vincent: Right, but first...we need some beds to sleep in! Let's go!  
  
(Mission Impossible music plays)  
  
Cid: My God! We have to get up there to the second floor somehow!  
  
Vincent: Hmm...  
  
Cid: I'll throw a rope up there and use these suction cups to slowly crawl up!  
  
Vincent: Right! And I'll take the stairs!  
  
Cid: Right! (Cid pretends to climb while Vincent pretends to go up some stairs)  
  
Vincent: Took you long enough!  
  
Cid: Shut up, I'm old! Ah...all these rooms...where could the beds be?  
  
Vincent: Leave it to me! I'll do the...bed...whistle call!  
  
Cid: (Genuinely confused) The what?!  
  
Vincent: (Does an odd whistle, Reno does a reply whistle into the mike) See? It's that room!  
  
Cid: Which room?  
  
Vincent: That one! (Runs around some more)  
  
Cid: Look, there they are! Wait! There's several beams around them!  
  
Vincent: What're we gonna do?  
  
Cid: Wait a minute! You ate a whole load of Mexican beans earlier, didn't you?  
  
Vincent: I'm way ahead of you, I'll fart my way over them and deactivate the beams!  
  
Cid: I'll contemplate life while you're doing that. (Thinks)  
  
Vincent: Er...urp...AHHH!!! (Makes a farting sound and hopes around) There, I'm on the bed!  
  
Cid: Good! (Crawls on the ground) There, I'm on the other one!  
  
Vincent: We could've crawled under the beams?  
  
Cid: Sorry, forgot to mention that. We'd better get some sleep! (BUZZ BUZZ)  
  
Nate: Wow, that was really something...huh...Well, ten thousand points to me. I'm saving up for college, you know. Let's move to a game called, Missing Scenes from Video Games. (Everyone gets up and goes to the right) I'm going to name a video game and they have to show me a cut scene that didn't make it to the final version. And...what video games should they be?  
  
AM: Final Fantasy 7!  
  
AM: Final Fantasy 6!  
  
AM: 8!  
  
AM: 9!  
  
Nate: Good lord...  
  
AM: Legend of Dragoon!  
  
AM: Xenogears!  
  
AM: Syphon Filter!  
  
AM: Final Fantasy Tactics!  
  
Nate: That's more than enough. So...show me the missing scene from...why not...Final Fantasy 7.  
  
Reno: (Cloud) Well, I guess we beat Sephiroth.  
  
Tifa: Yep...  
  
Reno: (Cloud) Yep...Aeris is dead.  
  
Tifa: Sure is...  
  
Reno: (Cloud) Wanna have sex?  
  
Tifa: ...Yeah, okay. (BUZZ)  
  
Nate: Yeah, I'm sure that would happen.  
  
Tifa: Not in a million years, Nate.  
  
Nate: Heh, sure...  
  
Cid: What's happening to the Planet?!  
  
Vincent: Looks like the red bulgy thing is crashing into the big metal area.  
  
Cid: Damn! What's that?  
  
Vincent: I think the blue streamy thing can get rid of the big round red thing.  
  
Cid: Are we still talking about Meteor? (BUZZ)  
  
Reno: Oh, hi Barret, Cid. Welcome to the Honeybee Inn! The Group Room is all ready for you! (BUZZ, Cid looks annoyed)  
  
Nate: Heh, heh. Okay...Final Fantasy 6!  
  
Reno: (Kefka) HEE HEE HEE! WHOOOO HEE HEE HEE HEE!!!! HA HA HA!!!! HAAAA!!!!  
  
Tifa: (Leo) I should smack you... (BUZZ)  
  
Reno: Hi Edgar, Sabin. Welcome to the Honeybee Inn! The Group Room's all ready for you! (BUZZ)  
  
Nate: Stop that!  
  
Cid: Damn, I thought we'd starve in Kefka's Tower...  
  
Tifa: I know...it's a good thing Mog has a nice, marshmellowy flavor. (BUZZ)  
  
Nate: Xenogears!  
  
Vincent: (Fei) Well, Elly. I think the Xenogears will take us back to Earth now...  
  
Tifa: (Elly) Oh, Fei! I'm so happy!  
  
Vincent: (Fei) Yes, I...that's funny. We're going awfully fast. Uh oh... (BUZZ)  
  
Cid: (Krelian) Then I'll create god with my own hands!  
  
Reno: Hey, Krelian! Now you can! With new Divineto! By the makers of Plato! Make the clay into your own heavenly entity! (BUZZ)  
  
Nate: Final Fantasy Tactics!  
  
Tifa: (Agrias) Whew, we finally defeated then evil Altima.  
  
Reno: (Ramza) I knew we could do it!  
  
Tifa: (Agrias) There's one thing that's bothering me...are you a man or a woman? (BUZZ)  
  
Cid: (Vormav) It's not over yet! I'll use the Pisces stone!  
  
Vincent: (Ramza) And turn into a giant, flopping fish? You couldn't even breathe.  
  
Cid: (Vormav) Oh...um...then I'll use the Libra stone!  
  
Vincent: (Ramza) And what? Turn into a giant balancing scale?  
  
Cid: (Vormav) Dammit! (BUZZ)  
  
Nate: Final Fantasy 8!  
  
Vincent: (Laguna) They did it! They beat her!  
  
Cid: (Ward) YEAH!  
  
Vincent: (Laguna) Oh my God! You're talking!  
  
Cid: (Ward) HA HA HA! Damn, I had you guys going! Using the old "can't talk" routine! Ha ha, and you actually fell for it! You thought I was mute! HA HA HA!!!  
  
Vincent: (Laguna) Well, then you pretty much wasted a lot of your life...  
  
Cid: (Ward) HA HA HA! Ha...huh? (BUZZ BUZZ)  
  
Nate: Great job! Come back and find out who the winner is! Don't go nowhere!  
  
COMMERCIAL BREAK  
  
You ever want to learn about how gangster's do things in your "hood"?  
  
Man: Damn, how'd they off that guy?  
  
Well, now you can find out! It's the new Gangster Pop-Up Book! For anyone from child to senior! Watch in a 3D how gangsters do all that killing!  
  
Man: What's on this page? (Flips page, a knife from the page stabs him in the chest) OH MY GOD! I'M BLEEDING TO DEATH!  
  
Of course you are! That's the book showing just how sly those silly gangsters are!  
  
Another Man: Damn, what a cool gun. How does it work? (A bullet flies up from the page and hits him in the arm) HOLY CRAP!  
  
Ha ha, you said it, pal! It's the Gangster Pop-Up Book! Order today!  
  
END COMMERCIAL BREAK  
  
Nate: Welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?. Tonight's winner...Tifa Lockhart! Tifa's the winner! (Tifa, at Nate's desk, waves to everyone and blows kisses to the crowd) So she gets to sit at my desk and be lazy while the rest of us do an Irish Drinking Song! What we need from the audience is one of the worst things that's ever happened to you.  
  
AM: Gotten a game over!  
  
Nate: ...Okay...that's the worst thing that's ever happened to you? I'm impressed. (Shrugs) Okay, so it's the Game Over Irish Drinking Song, with supreme Irish jigger Duo Maxwell on the piano. Take it away!  
  
(Irish Drinking Song music starts up)  
  
All: Ohhhhhh, Ay di dai di dai di dai di ay di da di dai!  
  
Reno: I love electronics!  
  
Nate: Those of any sort!  
  
Cid: It's great to have them for fun!  
  
Vincent: When it's your last resort...  
  
Reno: I used to love them all the time!  
  
Nate: Until I suffered a disgrace...  
  
Cid: I got a game over...  
  
Vincent: So I shot myself in the face!  
  
All: Ay di dai di dai di dai di ay di da di dai!  
  
Nate: I was very upset!  
  
Cid: What would I do?  
  
Vincent: I sat and sulked a lot!  
  
Reno: To video games, I was still glued!  
  
Nate: Suddenly I knew the best way...  
  
Cid: The best way to be!  
  
Vincent: I finally figured it out!  
  
Reno: I'd sit and watch cable TV!  
  
All: Ay di dai di dai di dai di ay di da di dai!  
  
Cid: However, I must still tell...  
  
Vincent: Tell you my great sin!  
  
Reno: I have to tell you...  
  
Nate: Video games are still in!  
  
Cid: I never forgot my game over!  
  
Vincent: I must confess...  
  
Reno: I can still play games and win, though!  
  
Nate: I play one player chess!  
  
All: Ay di dai di dai di dai di ay di da di dai!  
  
Vincent: As you can see, I'm just fine.  
  
Reno: I am very well!  
  
Nate: I play games on and off.  
  
Cid: They are very swell!  
  
Vincent: I can't stop playing video games!  
  
Reno: I can't stop in the least bit!  
  
Nate: Because it's just never tiring...  
  
Cid: To watch Cid say, "!@%^!"  
  
All: Ay di dai di dai di dai di ay di da di dai! Ohhhh...Ay di dai di dai di dai di ay di da di...da, di, DAIIIIIII!!!!!  
  
Nate: Thanks for watching! We'll catch you next time on Whose Line Is It Anyway?...!  
  
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Well, there's not much more I can say. I hope you enjoyed this. Please review as always, tell me what you think. Am I still going strong with my MSTs? Is Whose Line making a huge comeback in my head? I dunno...Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this little collection of stuff. If you want a fic MSTed or just really really want me to do Whose Line again, just tell via reviews or e-mail. Thanks for reading. I appreciate it! Peace out.  
  
~SpamBlade  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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